Chapter Six: Romance?

Oh, Ravenclaw! You've been dead inside since as long as you can remember! Yet this spinster, this rumpled authoress with ink stains on her hands awakens something inside you, something that feels warm where everything was cold as death...

All right, now that I've gotten that out of my system... That lady totally was Prudence, by the way. Ravenclaw accuses her of trying to ruin him with this book and before she can respond the jerk walks up to them. Lord Neville makes fun of people to build himself up. Although, when he's a jerk to Ravenclaw, I don't really feel badly for him. Anyway, Neville asserts The Book is about Ravenclaw. Prudence tells Neville it totally isn't.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Ahem. Anyway, Ravenclaw gets all warm and gooey inside to hear her defending him. Then we learn that he has read the book that's ruining his good...mediocre...bad reputation? He thinks the prose in it is wonderful, after he learns who has written it. While he's thinking this, Neville is trying to cozy up to Prudence because she's the author of a famous book. Sebastian wants to snatch her away to his townhouse or Wolfinger. This is described as “a surge of protectiveness”. I would think that crossed the line somewhere, but all right.

Prudence's cousin, Hugh, wanders over and is surprised to learn that Prudence has written The Book (I've forgotten its title by now) and, although he hasn't read it, he does not approve. Prudence defends herself with razor-sharp wit (I like my razors sharper than they did back in the day, apparently). Then Neville decides he wants to be the one to introduce Prudence to society, so he invites her to a party. Ranvclaw accepts for them both. Thanks a lot, Scar-face.

The point of view changes and we're in Hugh's house where he's lecturing Prudence on the evils of her ways with gothic novels and men. Phoebe claims a fit of “the blue devils” (which apparently means that she's depressed) and escapes. Prudence notices that her sister does this sort of thing to avoid Mrs. Bates too. That's surprising that these sisters who know each other so well... You know where I'm going with this.

Prudence hears a bit of the lecture and sidesteps most of it by thanking her cousin for chaperoning Phoebe and herself at the party. Her reason for needing to go be with Ravenclaw? She needs to repair the damage to his reputation. Never mind that she wants his hot body... While her cousin is lecturing her, she's comparing his body to Ravenclaw's. It's kind of disturbing. Anyway, after she gets the chance, Prudence leaves the room.

Back to Sebastian's point of view! He would never be at this sort of party, with such stupid people, if not for her. He's finally realized that he has a thing for Prudence. Business and scandal are getting boring and Prudence writes with such passion! You see, he went home and reread his copy of The Book after their run in. Clearly, his higher estimation of the book has nothing to do with knowing who wrote it. He's lusting after the author and then, a line that makes me depressed for Ravenclaw: “It astonished him, for sex had become nearly as boring as everything else in his life.” Apparently, he's seen and done it all under the tutelage of his uncle. Wait just a minute here. Ew. Also, just to be sure, EW! All right, moving on...

Prudence calls to Ravenclaw and she's so pretty, even in that nice dress. She managed to rumple it and her glasses mark her out to him as well. Oh, also, one of her cap sleeves slid out of place at some point. Just seeing her shoulder makes him want to become a cannibal and devour her. Wait. Maybe it's something else there...

Her rumpled clothes and misplaced sleeve make her look like she just had sex (what a great impression to make in society!) and Ravenclaw wants that to be the case, with the man being him. This is where he officially decides to pursue her.

Finally!

Chapter Five: There's No Place Like London

Oh, Mrs. Bates. She's complaining again that the girls need a chaperone, this time for their London trip. Somehow, they get sidetracked and talk about the Devil Earl. The original one, I mean. Apparently, his wife was mad so he locked her in a tower room for years. She got out, or something, and killed him. Clearly, Ravenclaw killed his brother. Apparently he killed his uncle to get the earl title. Then Mrs. Bates tells Prudence that Ravenclaw will be in London and the trip suddenly seems much brighter to Prudence. She'll have the chance, probably only a chance, to see him again. Prudence visibly freaks out and Mrs. Bates assumes she's upset the author. So, they talk about chaperones again because that's something Prudence loves to talk about. Anyway, Mrs. Bates has written a letter to Mrs. Broadgirdle to see if she'll chaperone the two girls. Prudence decides to trust the gossip and Mrs. Bates hands over the letter from the chaperone-for-hire.

They get to London and Mrs. Broadgirdle immediately calls them out on being from the country. Clearly they should have stopped along the way to buy dresses suited for London. Whateves. Prudence makes it clear that she's not taking shit and she's not getting married. The first startles Mrs. Broadgirdle, but the latter makes her happy. Also, it's mentioned that Mrs. Broadgirdle is nothing like her name: she's really skinny. I'm starting to think that Prudence is named similarly. Starting? Well, anyway, they go to the residence of the girls' one relation: a cousin named Hugh Lancaster and it's a pretty neat bachelor pad. He's a confirmed bachelor by the way. I suppose then we don't have to worry about a personality for his wife, or something. Anyway, he launches into a sermon, about politics, and Prudence thinks twice about the wisdom of their trip.

Sebastian, a man rumored to have murdered two of his family members, and man woman look at and whimper, a man.... who is a man, walks in off the street into a bookstore. Books are the only thing that can come close to relieving his boredom that he's had since that trip to Cornwall about five months back. Granted, one book is tainted for him. He calls it The Book, since people capitalize things about which they don't know what else to do. He wanders around the bookstore, rambling about how he likes books and ensuring that the reader will have a common cause with him. Then some jerk walks in (I mean jerk according to Sebastian, I have my doubts) and Sebastian decides to stand in front of the display of The Book, just to drive home to the jerk that he really doesn't care about them. We know he does, but all right. The main character of The Book looks like him and has a similar name, as well as a house similar to Wolfinger Abbey, so clearly they're the same person. The character in this book lures young, innocent girls to their death in his house until the brave heroine blah blah blah. We all know this is the book Prudence wrote, right? We do now, anyway.

So, people bought this book because of the scandal attached to Sebastian's name after his brother disappeared. Wow. That's more complexity in this plot than I thought there would be. I figured Prudence's book sold well just because.

Trying to deny the connection between the book and him, Sebastian picks up a copy and strokes the binding. Okay... Then this girl with glasses shows up next to him. Sebastian thinks of that spinster in Cornwall and wonders why he's pining for her. He tries to ignore the woman next to him, but she grabs the book and asks if he wants her to sign it for him.

Oh snap! ...that's where the chapter ends. Next time we'll see if it actually is Prudence, or if it's just another forward young woman wearing glasses. (Hint: I think the plot has already gotten as complicated as it's going to.)

Chapter Four: Let's do the Time Warp Again!

The chapter opens with Ravenclaw's point of view. Although, when it's his point of view, he goes by Sebastian. Remember that, there will be a test. Sebastian wonders why Prudence is staring at him “like a simpleton”. Then Prudence calls for Phoebe and somehow this means she makes sense. Sebastian thinks that Prudence is a strange abbess. “She doesn't run an abbey,” I think. “There only one nearby is his. Why would he think that?” If you're familiar with Shakespearean uses of words, you might get this one. If not, keep reading. I'll explain in a bit.

Anyway, Sebastian stares at Prudence and thinks that she's hot, in an “I need to peel her like an orange” sort of way. No, really. That's the phrase Mrs. Simmons uses. It makes a bit more sense in context, but it's more fun out of it.

Phoebe enters the room and Sebastian grills her about where his brother is. Prudence stands up to him and he's impressed. Apparently, he's practiced his intimidation for years. What a jerk. Oh, but it's totally reasonable because he had to fight to get his title. Anyway, then Sebastian hints that Penhurst has made use of Phoebe's services recently. There's an ellipses on either side of services. The girls don't understand this, so Sebastian says he's talking about his brother “paying for the privilege of climbing under [Prudence's]...sister's skirts.” Oh. Abbess like one who runs a nunnery which, in Shakespeare’s time, was slang for brothel. I don't know why Mrs. Simmons used “abbess” instead of “madame”, but whateves. She's the published author here.

The sisters are stunned and Sebastian thinks they're the best actresses in Cornwall. Then Prudence starts laughing...and it's the best-est most awesome laugh that's “clear and golden as a sultry summer afternoon.” Yeah, he's got it bad and he just met this girl. As she laughs, her hair and glasses slide out of place and Sebastian fights the urge to pull the glasses off of her face. Calm down, tiger! The best is yet to come. Prudence says she figured it'd be okay for the two sister to live alone since she's so old. Sebastian argues that she's not old. She stops laughing and looks at him with interest. Sebastian is surprised by this, so he gets a boner. No, really. Here's the quote: “...Sebastian saw her return his regard with a wary but definite interest, so unexpected that it stunned him. With surprising intensity, his body responded, and he turned toward the window to hide the effects.”

Sebastian apologizes for his assumptions and, when Prudence responds, he notices that he really likes the sound of her voice. He gets over his boner and faces her again. Looking at her makes him want to unburden himself and when Prudence goes to comfort her sister, Sebastian is jealous. He wants Prudence touching him. Well, I'm glad their hasty attraction is mutual.

Phoebe reveals that she and Penhurst went walking alone (the scandal!) and that he had said nothing about leaving. Phoebe, acting like someone younger than sixteen, wails out that she doesn't like Ravenclaw, he's scary, and he totes killed his own brother. Ravenclaw, used to this harsh sort of treatment, squares his shoulders and rides off into the sunset. More or less. The important part is that he ridicules himself for having feelings and leaves the cottage without looking back.

Five months later, Prudence is still/again at her writing desk. Woah. Five months? You're going to make that kind of jump in the midd- three and a half pages from the end of a chapter? Hang on, my head's spinning.

All right. Prudence thinks about writing a letter to Ravenclaw, assuring him that she doesn't think he's a bad man, but she talks herself out of it. After all, they only really met once. That's not enough time to form a real attraction... Sorry, I guess I was thinking I was in a different book.

Prudence's book, Bastian of Bloodmoor, sold really well and the check that she gets in the mail is huge. I mean, their mysterious grandma about whom we've heard practically nothing left them enough to live on, but not enough for frills. That's why Prudence started writing. With the sale of this book, they've got all kinds of money. Even enough to...take Phoebe for a season in London! Of course Prudence will not enjoy this, but she wants to do it for her sister. So, hooray off to London. Wolfinger will wait for Prudence to come back home. (giggle)

Also, it turns out Prudence's eyes are hazel, not blue. I apologize for the inaccuracy of my earlier pictures, but I don't care enough to go back and change them.

Chapter Three: A Murder Most Foul...or Something

This chapter starts with Ravenclaw insulting his brother. It turns out that Penhurst failed Oxford, ran to London, gambled/whored away all but his vowels, then gave those to terrible moneylenders. I'm not sure what vowels are, but apparently they're terribly important. Ravenclaw is, understandably, pissed at his brother. Even Ravenclaw's vast fortune will take a dent from Penhurst's poor use of money. Penhurst was hiding out at Wolfinger Abbey, trying to think of his next move. Too bad that didn't work out for him. Anyway, Ravenclaw asked, point blank, if Penhurst has made a bastard child with Phoebe and Penhurst punches him in the face. The housekeeper walks in on them fighting and Penhurst runs outside in the rain. I'm pretty sure he's sulking.

From this scene, we're deposited on Prudence's writing desk. That Earl has certainly stimulated her...to write! What were you thinking? Prudence's writing is interrupted by a visitor. Their visitor is Mrs. Bates, again. Prudence wants to get out of it but apparently Phoebe knows her too well and demands that she deal with the gossipy fat lady.

Wait, they know each other too well? Just last chapter they didn't know each other well enough to pick up on things that basic logic should have told them. Fine.

Mrs. Bates, over dramatically, tells the sisters that Ravenclaw killed his brother last night and threw his body over the cliffs into the sea. She takes at least a page to get around to telling them this. Phoebe freaks out and faints. Prudence gets her sister to wake up but feels she's overreacting. I mean, really, murder is no big deal. Apparently, the old Devil Earl was murdered by his wife and somehow this incident is that blood coming back. Yeah, I don't know either. Prudence points out that killing someone in this way is really dumb. There's lots of witnesses, which is how Mrs. Bates knows about it, and slippery cliffs and such. Mrs. Bates fires back by saying it wasn't supposed to make sense. It was just passion. This sets them all back. Apparently they didn't expect this word in a romance novel. Mrs. Bates decides to leave.

Later, at Prudence's writing desk, she's moping over how her day sucks. Mrs. Bates interrupted her work, Phoebe is distressed at the news that some guy that she had a thing for was killed by his brother so Prudence had to put her to bed, and now there's another visitor. Really, everyone is being so rude to Prudence. She's just trying to write here, you guys.

Turns out the visitor is Ravenclaw. Prudence gets really excited for this and, of course, enters the room when his back is turned. She checks him out and likes what she sees. While she's doing this, he turns around and pins her with his gaze. This makes her blood race again and she thinks, “Here was a man to reckon with... Here was a man.” Well, she put that succinctly.

He asks where Phoebe is, which Prudence doesn't understand at first because she's simply over come just by looking at him. Finally, he gets through and Prudence offers to wake her sister. Ravenclaw's reaction is pretty much, “Damn right you will!” Prudence stares at him a bit longer and wonders what he wants with Phoebe.

It's obviously not because he picked up on Phoebe and Penhurst having a thing. Prudence didn't see that and she and her sister know each other too well. In any case, we'll have to wait until the next chapter to see what he wanted. (Is this how you build drama?)

By the way, throughout the above exchange, Prudence is thinking Ravenclaw is so sexy, etc. I think he's a jerk. He's snapping at her and demanding her sister get up to talk to him. He's full of himself and, as an advocate for Prudence, I can't in good conscious want them to get together. Then I remember how ridiculous Prudence is and I hope they do.

Chapter Two: He's not Evil, he's Beautiful!

We meet Ravenclaw in this chapter! His description... I'm getting ahead of myself.

At the beginning of the chapter, we see Prudence being determined to find a way into Wolfinger Abbey (giggle) and being unable to focus on her writing. The adventure abounds. Anyway, remember how I thought it was weird that two sisters were living alone except for servants? Mrs. Bates agrees with me. She's mad because the two sisters got a visit from Penhurst and she didn't. Apparently, Mrs. Bates is kind of a big deal. She suggests/demands that the two girls get a chaperone. Apparently the sisters have been in the cottage since their grandma died four years ago. That's all the detail we get so far. I demand a tragic story about their parents!

Anyway, Prudence points out that she's a spinster now. You know, twenty four is really old. Mrs. Bates argues that Prudence could still catch a man's eye and she can't handle Phoebe. Keep this in mind because it comes up later. Then Mrs. Bates, who is incredibly fat for some reason, moans about a London season for Phoebe. You know, I didn't care while I was reading this. Let's skip ahead. The point is that because Mrs. Bates says so, Prudence can't invite Penhurst back to her house. Apparently, Prudence does care about social rules, even though later she claims not to.

Later Prudence is trying to write, but nothing is coming to her. Clearly the cure is to go pester Penhurst. Prudence tells Phoebe they should go visit Penhurst at his house. Phoebe is aghast. She argues that Penhurst doesn't want visitors and he's only forced to stay in Wolfinger Abbey because...stuff. Yeah! Stuff. Prudence asks when Phoebe heard about this and Phoebe is non-committal. Clearly it happened when Penhurst was at their house earlier. ...and no other time.

Prudence is dumb, just sayin'. This is why Mrs. Bates came over and ordered Prudence to get a chaperone. I mean, it doesn't matter to me if Phoebe is running off in the middle of the night and having secret meetings... Wait! This is a romance novel! Why isn't Phoebe the main character? Argh. Fine. So, Phoebe says she doesn't want Prudence caught in the rain alone, because it's cloudy outside you see. There's a storm brewing. Things are going to change... You get it. Prudence thinks there's something weird with her sister, but she ignores this and boldly strides forth vaguely towards Wolfinger Abbey.

If Phoebe didn't want to go, why didn't she just stay at home? She had to know her sister was just going to walk to Wolfinger Abbey anyway. Maybe these two sisters, who've lived together at least four years if not all their lives, don't know each other. ...or either of them realizing these things would have messed up the plot. One of the two.

In any case, they make it to Wolfinger Abbey eventually and even see Penhurst there. Prudence notices again that Penhurst isn't mysterious at all. She's disappointed and trying to think of a way to finagle an invitation into the abbey when out of the west, heralded by a roll of thunder and a lightning flash, comes a carriage all in black, with the driver muffled up against the elements. Prudence thinks it looks like a funeral carriage. This is the stuff of her dreams, and merely seeing this gets her blood pumping. Well, just wait until the carriage's lone occupant leaves it. Prudence sees the Ravenclaw coat of arms on the carriage door, but she's still somehow surprised when Ravenclaw himself steps out. He looks “like some phantom from hell” as well as having “a devilish look, heightened by the inch-long scar under one of his steel gray eyes.” Do you think he's the Devil Earl? I don't. He's also tall, has a “very masculine” mouth, and black hair that's just a little too long. Others might find him scary, but Prudence thinks he's the sexiest thing since sex. Geeze, even his voice, addressed to his brother, sends chills up Prudence's spine. (By the way, the only part of this I made up was his carriage coming out of the west. The book doesn't give a cardinal direction. More's the pity.)

Oh, also. His name is Ravenscar. His hair is black and he has a scar on his face, under his eye. What a well named character. It doesn't seem that Prudence is as well named.

Ravenclaw, whose first name is Sebastian apparently, tells the ladies he needs to speak with his brother privately now and sends them off in the rain. Phoebe is pissed about this and is unable to think of anything scarier than Ravenclaw and probably anyone ruder, nastier, whateves. We get it, Mrs. Simmons. He's a bad man. Purdence is still enamored with him and has new inspiration for her story. The villain will be just like Ravenclaw! This could never come back to haunt her! Also, her pulse leaps with excitement to write about him. Yeah, definitely not Prudent. Just sayin'.

Also, Phoebe is sixteen. I'm telling you this partially in case it's important later, but mostly to marvel at the eight-year age difference between them. I am expecting some really great story about their parents now. Maybe Prudence's mom died in some heartbreaking way so her father remarried and had Phoebe years later. Then Phoebe's mom and their girls' mutual dad died in some terrible way and their grandma took them in.

Based on Ravenclaw's over dramatic appearance, I'm pretty sure that something bad happened to their parents, anyway.

Chapter One: The Set-up

The book opens with an excerpt from a bad romance novel. Sound familiar? The main character is an author trying to figure out her romance novel. Now, I don't like to accuse characters of being Mary Sues... Let's be real, of course I do! For those who don't know or forgot, a Mary Sue is when an author puts herself in the story and makes her character the special-ist best-est little bundle of awesome around. The male version is a Marty Stu. Honestly, at this point it's hard to say if Prudence is a Mary Sue or not. That brings me to my next point: the names. The main character's name is Prudence. Really? What I know about romance novels is that the main couple is anything but prudent. I suppose we'll see if the name really fits. On the subject of names, there's a spooky old abbey up the hill from where Prudence lives. It's called Wolfinger Abbey. Maybe I'm reading too much into this but it seems that such a name reminds the reader that this book will be about love and, more importantly, sex. I wasn't surprised to learn that Prudence is deeply interested in meeting the man who owns this abbey, the Earl of Ravenscar. It's perfect! Ravens are dark and scars are mysterious! This man is dark and mysterious! From here on in, I'll be referring to him as Ravenclaw because that name is less silly.

Anyway, Prudence lives with her sister, Phoebe; a maid, Mary; and a cook, Mrs. Collins. Isn't it unusual for two girls to live without a man in this time period? If the date at the beginning of the story applies to this book and not the story Prudence was writing, it's 1818 in Cornwall, England. I've been wrong before but this doesn't seem to be how they rolled back then. Then again, maybe their parents died in some tragic accident or something.

So, the rest of the set-up: Prudence wants to get into the mysterious and dark Wolfinger Abbey (she loves it with a passion no one else can understand, apparently) and she desperately wants to meet the Earl of Ravenclaw. It seems like he only has to be mildly attractive for her to swoon when she sees him.

Now, for the actual plot. Phoebe has seen the Earl of Ravenclaw's brother in the village. This brother, the Honorable James Penhurst, seems to be really hot. Prudence, of course, doesn't care about how he looks, she wants to know about his brother. Phoebe says Penhurst is staying in Wolfinger Abbey alone. Prudence gets excited, hoping that she can get inside the forbidden abbey, and Phoebe declares that she'd rather hear about his town house in London. Phoebe invited Penhurst over to chill with them and the sisters get in a bit of a tizzy preparing for his arrival. He shows up a few days later and, from the looks of things, is the perfect man for Phoebe. He looks creepily similar to her, too. Apparently, the differences between them are in the shades of their hair and eyes. They might want to check back and see if any of the Penhurst family was sowing their wild oats in Phoebe's and Prudence's family. It's just a thought. Anyway, Penhurst is hot and at the height of fashion and Prudence is completely not interested. It'll take a different sort of man to sweep her off her feet. Someone dark and forbidden. Someone with a title, who could perhaps have a nickname after some sort of infernal creature... You know where I'm going with this.

Prudence brings up Wolfinger Abbey, trying to angle for an invitation, but Penhurst goes white and steers the conversation away. Prudence asks about the abbey a few times, but then she pushes too hard by asking about his brother and Penhurst leaves. I assume that Phoebe is mad at her sister for driving away this fine specimen of manhood. All we know is that Prudence is mad that Penhurst wouldn't let her get into the abbey, but her writer's mind is intrigued by why Penhurst hates everything to do with the place. Clearly there's some mysteries there to be solved. Quick! Call Scooby Doo!

I mean, either mysteries or Penhurst is uncomfortable out of the big city in a building that's falling down and he and his brother had a falling out. No, it's definitely the mysteries.

By the way, did I mention Prudence has glasses? She's forever taking them off and having them slip down her face. I think she needs to get a new pair.

An explanation

While I was working my summer job, someone left a box of books in the break room with trashy romance novels, among other things. I grabbed one and it looked too terrible to pass up. It's called The Devil Earl by Deborah Simmons. So, since I could have it for free, I took it home with me. I've decided to record the terrible-ness chapter by chapter. Since I'm a college student, updates will be when I have time for them (read: never). If you're ready to read about a trashy romance novel told from the point of view of an avid reader, then sit down and enjoy the ride. If not, please exit the ride before the safety harnesses descend and it begins moving. Thank you.