No Love in Return-Chapter Eleven: The Final Chapter

Eve realizes that she needs more than four or five days to gather up her resolve to refuse Jack. She's going to have to hide somewhere for awhile. She can't afford the airfare to visit Jane, and she can't afford a hotel room in the city. So she calls Tony. Tony says that having Eve underfoot would cramp his style and such. She'd better have good reasons for wanting to stay with him, but he's working so she can tell him that night.

Eve explains and Tony is perplexed. She loves Jack and it's obvious that he loves her, so why doesn't she want to marry him? He's showed her that he loves her. Some guys don't say it. Also, the wording makes it seem like Tony's straight. Huh. All right then.

Eve says that of course she's holding out. Tony told her much earlier not to settle for crumbs, after all. Tony replies that marriage is not a cumb. Tony advises her to marry Jack on whatever terms he wants, but if she won't then to just say no. Eve says that Jack will make her agree and Tony asks how. Eve blushes and says Tony's a man of the world, he should figure it out. 'Sexual persuasion?' he asks. Eve agrees and looks away. “But, Eve dear, that's what love's all about...” Wait. What? Tony clarifies by saying that Jack is willing to do whatever it takes to marry her and Eve loves Jack so much that she can't resist. Eve says it's not love, it's just Jack wanting to get his way again and it's not fair. Tony asks if it's fair for her to run away. He refuses to harbor her and recommends that she face the music. Eve replies that she has no other alternative. Maybe if you had more than two friends...

That night, as she goes to sleep, Eve reflects that men are “a cruel and heartless lot” and that Jack's going to force her into “a cold-blooded business proposition of a marriage”. Eve thinks about how her life would be just terrible with Jack controlling her all the time with kisses and such. She eventually falls asleep and wakes up to the door buzzer. Blearily, she stumbles out of bed and answers the door. It's Jack and he looks like hell. Eve realizes that she totes is in love with him. She's pretty sure that this is love, but she hesitates at the brink. She offers Jack some coffee and he accepts, so they both wander into the kitchen.

Jack gives Eve a barrage of how she's forced him to change, fighting him every step of the way. Then he talks about how Eve's different. He tried to initiate an affair between them, but it didn't work. She didn't jump at the chance and when she did start something it was really the champagne. Jack admits that she made him want to lose all control and throw his emotions in, and that scared him. I win. Anyway, Jack kept wanting her until he realized that he did love her when Tony called to say she'd been attacked. By Thanksgiving, Jack knew he must have her. When trying to force her to stay in Stonegate didn't work, and neither did paying for her college, he tried to merge them in the only way he knew: like a business. Somewhere over the ocean, Jack realized what an idiot he'd been and he came back to New York. Then he asks if they can sit down.

They go to the living room and sit on the couch. Jack grabs Eve's shoulders and looks deeply into her eyes. He tells her that it was because she refused him that he realized he'd been dumb. He started missing her so much that it hurt. After not seeing her for a few hours. Wow. Eve asks if he's had a change of heart. Jack replies that before Eve, he's not sure he had a heart. Really? Then why was Lucie so important to you? Whatever. Eve gets happy, they've got their happily ever after! Then Jack moves away. Eve asks why. He's gonna go turn off that kettle. He wants to focus all of his attention on Eve. When he comes back to the living room, he asks if they're going to be married. Eve replies, “I-that is-if that's what you want.” Whatever. I'm sure she'll grow a spine later. Probably. Eve teases him about having a big wedding and waiting until spring to marry. Jack asks her to have pity on him. His staff all think he's crazy...'cause he totally is. He's crazy for her.

They kiss and it's like never before, because all of the barriers are down between them now. Neither of them is holding back...especially after Jack says he loves Eve and always will. They make out or something and the book ends.

Geeze, that took them long enough. Also, this title is a lie. She had love in return, even before the last chapter, he was just too stupid to realize it. Well, there you go. That's No Love in Return by Elizabeth Barnes. I hope you enjoyed the snarkiness.  It is likely there will be another book on this blog, but that won't happen until summer.

No Love in Return-Chapter Ten: Jack, The Savvy Dumb-Head

So, Jack insisted on walking Eve to her apartment door. They argued about each step, apparently, and now here they are. Is anyone surprised when they end up on the couch with their shirts off? It's a good thing Eve doesn't have an apartment-mate anymore. He offered to pay her college expenses before this, but they got off track. They stop their canoodling when Jack re-remembers that they want different things. He can't give her love, which is what she has every right to expect, so they can't be together. He wants her so badly, but he's trying to give her up so she can have what she wants! Why is this guy so dumb? Eve tells Jack that she thinks he could figure out how to love, with some time. Jack leaves, apparently without another word.

Eve's ready to wait for him to figure this out on his own. There's no logic here, so he'll have to admit that he loves her. Right? Jack calls on Sunday asking for Eve to come to his office. He's got a crisis and he'll have to head to Rome soon, but he needs to talk to her now. He's sending a car that'll be there in fifteen minutes. Eve thinks that he's taking a lot for granted (oh, she's noticing these things now), but it's all okay because he's going to tell her he loves her. Maybe he'll even take her to Rome. It was at this point that I knew Eve was totally wrong. She's gotta be wrong. Also, there's still another chapter left.

The limo pulls up and Eve goes to Sinclair Enterprises. There's all kinds of people there and they're terribly busy. Yet Jack found time for her anyway. This just proves he's had a change of heart. Eve walks into his office and Jack says he's found a solution to their problem. They could agree not to see each other but that wouldn't please him and would be dumb. So, he says, “I think we should marry.” Huh. I was pretty much right. Eve asks why and Jack starts up the power point presentation. They're compatible, they interest each other, lots of physical attraction, Jack wants a family, and Eve can go back to school to learn what she wants and stop modeling. Everybody wins!

Eve says no. I mean, c'mon, he even expects you to nag him to include you in his life! Kidding. I mean, he does, but that's not a good basis for a relationship. Jack flat out says he won't love her and that's Eve's one requirement. Eve says that what Jack described sounds like love and he says it totally isn't. “Love is something very different; it's irrational and unpredictable and far too uncontrollable for my taste.” So, there's this operetta Patience by Gilbert and Sullivan. In it, Patience asks what love is. She's never been in love, so she doesn't understand. She's told that love burns and scorches; that it stings, and other such unpleasantries. Patience decides that, if love is so terrible, then she totally does love this one guy. Because, you know, she hates him. This is the same idea.

Eve accuses Jack of going on about the three generations of terrible people in his family so he has something to hide behind. All the things he says he doesn't like about love, he doesn't like about himself. Then she accuses him of being afraid to be himself and doing anything to avoid it. They yell at each other, and Eve starts leaving the office. She says she won't take this business deal and wishes Jack well on his other crisis. He doesn't leave it at that. He follows her through the office, the two of them arguing at the tops of their voices the whole way, and into the limo.

In the limo, Jack seems to decide yelling at her isn't the best way to get her to see his side. He says they have something more reliable than love. He means lust, but he's totally in love with this girl. Anyway, she says no and he starts kissing her. Then he tells her to kiss him and she narrates that she has no choice. They make out for awhile and Jack says that she wants him as much as he wants her. He tells her that what they have is enough, and she'll realize that when she has time to think things through. Eve says that there isn't anything to think through. It won't change how she feels. Jack says she'll change her mind. It's interesting characterization that she goes for emotions and he goes for logic.

Jack says there are other ways to convince her and he puts his hand on her thigh under her skirt. Well hot damn, kid. Slow down there. Eve says no, and Jack says yes and tells her not to fight him. Don't worry, he doesn't rape her...here. I'm a little worried about what happens in the last chapter. Jack says that he'll be back in four or five days and they'll settle this as Eve gets out at her apartment. Eve decides to run away because she can't fight him off.

Wow. That's...that's a little worrisome.

No Love in Return-Chapter Nine: Just Say Something Already!

The next morning at breakfast, Jack is cold again. He makes a gesture and Eve sees a burn on his palm. That poker was still hot when he grabbed it out of her hand. Eve is sorry she burned him and Jack tells her to put the whole thing out of her mind. Eve can't forget, though. She didn't realize how heavily the attack was weighing on her and Jack was the reason she's all better now. It seems to matter more to Eve than to Jack.

Then Jack makes the excuse that Lucie made him come check on Eve. He didn't want her pissed at him, and that's the whole reason he came. Damn it, Jack. Will you just tell her how you feel already? Anyway, Jack's got to go, but he'll be back for Thanksgiving. He leaves the dining room and Eve reflects on how Jack had been too kind and understanding the previous night. That bastard! Eve tells herself, yet again, to stop liking this guy.

Then it's Thanksgiving. Jack was late getting back and Eve was waiting for him the whole day. Aw. Eve asks if she wants her to fix him some food, since it's after dinner. Jack says that'd be fine. He doesn't want to bother anyone else at this hour, but that he “seem[s] to spend an inordinate amount of time bothering [Eve].” I think that's his way of apologizing. I did a lot of reading into his actions this chapter that made me like him better, but if I'm wrong, he could just be a jerk like he's been the whole time. See what you think.

Jack is faintly surprised that Eve knows where everything is. Eve helped put stuff away. Jack replies that Mrs. H doesn't let strangers in her kitchen. Her letting Eve help means she sees Eve as one of the family. Eve says she isn't, she totally is because of Ted, but that doesn't count. Jack takes his food into the library and Eve follows. While he was gone before Thanksgiving, Eve was thinking. She decided that she had to make a clean break before she got really hurt. So, she tells Jack that she wants to go back to New York tomorrow. Jack was happy and teasing and stuff, but now he gets pissed. He says there's no need for her to leave, but Eve replies there's no need for her to stay 'cause she's all better. Jack still refuses and Eve says he can't make her stay. Jack can make sure there's no way for her to leave, though. He doesn't want her alone in the city this soon. I read this as Jack trying to protect this person he suddenly found he cares very much about. He could be realizing just how vulnerable he is. He's scared by all these feelings. Or, he could just be an ass. You're free to make your own decisions and I'll try to not give biased information.

Anyway, Jack says Eve can't go back until they can be sure she won't get attacked again. Eve points out that there's no way to make sure that happens and that he can't make this decision for her. He says he has. Eve accuses him of being “a cold one” and Jack replies, “That's right...It's the habit of a lifetime-bred into me, you might say. First my grandfather, then my father, then me. All of us cold and hard and determined to have our own way-which is why you're not going back to New York until I say you can.” He's making himself a villain so he doesn't have to explain his feelings to Eve. Jack, just man up and do it already. It'd be much simpler in the long run. Eve is pissed, tells him he has no right to run her life, and slams the door behind her.

Eve paces in her room for a good long time. She's got to explain it to him. Of course, she won't tell him the truth either (damn it, woman!) but she'll give him logical arguments for why she should go home. Eve decides that now would be a good time for this, so Jack doesn't get too stuck in his mindset. Eve leaves her room and walks toward his office. That wing is dark, so maybe he's in the library. Eve sees the door to the library is closed and she opens it. Jack yells to turn the light off. Eve didn't realize she'd turned the light on, but she turns it off again. Jack's on the couch and he doesn't sound well. He's got a migraine, although he doesn't admit it at first. Then he asks Eve to get his pills. Woah. He's asking for help.

Eve goes into his bedroom and notices that there's no personality in here either. It's probably been the same since his grandfather's time. That might explain the leather on the walls and the really dark colors. Really, you guys? Leather? Anyway, Eve gets the pills and brings Jack a cup of coffee. She tells him to drink the coffee too because it'll help. Jack doesn't believe her, but he does it anyway.

Eve thinks about how in novels, the heroine will offer to massage the hero's shoulders and back in situations like this. Well, she's not falling into that trap! Eve, you already did. Eve tells Jack that him not changing the room and shutting people out of his life leads him to take it out on himself and causes these headaches. Um. Okay? Eve points out that he's readable to her and he counters that it's because she's similar. Eve declares that she lets people into her life. Yeah, your two friends and your brother. Jack says she only lets people in on her own terms, and that they're both prideful, stubborn, and not willing to let people help them. Most people would try to lump the object of their affection with them using complementary characteristics, but not Jack Sinclair!

Then Jack admits that he didn't let himself get out of control until Eve, “insinuated [her]self into [his] life.” They sit in silence until Jack says his headache's better. His words are slurred and he realizes he's not thinking clearly. Eve tells him to go to bed. “But you don't approve of my bedroom.” He's kind of amused by this. He gave Eve an opening to take him to her room, but that wouldn't work very well if he were all drugged up. So, Eve says they're not going to redecorate his bedroom tonight. Jack stands and sways a lot. He asks to lean on Eve. Only after he promises that he doesn't have any intentions will Eve put her arm around his waist and let him grab her shoulder. He holds onto the banister to go upstairs. They stop at his door and Jack wonders why she went back downstairs. Eve says she was going to discuss her leaving more logically. Jack tells her he won't understand any of it, so she shouldn't try now. Eve offers to help him further, but he says it's better if she doesn't.

Jack's at breakfast the next morning and he looks fine. He doesn't remember much of last night after his headache left, but he knows he didn't do anything improper or Eve would be watching him the way a mongoose watches a cobra. He started with a rabbit, but changed his mind. Then he admits he has no right to decide her life for her and she can go back to New York today if she wants. Eve asks why he had a change of heart and Jack says, “It's not a change of heart, Eve-surely you know that...” Don't call me Shirley. Hah! The point is that he totally loves her but he's too scared to tell her. I mean, c'mon. He starts talking about how she's different than everyone else. Then he gets all mad when he says they'll leave as soon as she's ready and that he hopes that pleases her.

Eve contemplates Jack while she packs. He started softening and there may be something there that wasn't there before. (What's there, Momma? I'll tell you when you're older, Chip.) However, on the drive to the airport, Jack is cold and impersonal again. He's working, but he's not getting much done. He seems to be thinking about something. Damn it, Jack. Just tell her! Right now! Instead, he asks why she's anxious to get back. Eve says she's got to start saving money so she can go back to school and get a useful degree. Eve's tired of being a piece of meat to hang clothes on. She was a liberal arts major before. Really? You could major in that? Granted, my major isn't much more useful, but really? Anyway, Eve is worried about the money, but Jack tells her that she can totally do it. I wonder if Sinclair Enterprises, or whatever his company's called, needs a model. Nah. That'd be a little too demeaning.

Anyway, this chapter would have been less frustrating if Eve and Jack would actually talk to each other.

No Love in Return-Chapter Eight: Violence!

It's no gun fight, like there was in The Devil Earl, but there is real violence in this chapter and real danger. Let's start at the beginning, though.

Jack is not there the morning after the wedding. The housekeeper says business called him away, but Eve knows it's totally her fault. Eve's mad at herself for what she did and she's sure Jack's mad at her too. When Jane finally wakes up, she's too busy talking about the wedding and the people to ask Eve how her night was. Of course, Jane has to notice that Eve had Jack looked really good dancing together. Eve refuses to believe she and Jack would be good together, but she doesn't say so. Anyway, Jane rushes to get everything together. She's got a possible gig out in San Francisco as a designer for a sportswear company and she's gotta go check it out. Eve's alone in the apartment that night, and she starts crying because she's ruined any chance she had with Jack. Did you miss the part where he told you to try again when you weren't drunk, Eve?

Eve tries not to feel. Jane says the job in California looks good, and she's staying another week to make sure. Then Ted and Lucie call from Alaska. Ted's going to live with a group of Eskimos to look at how their cultural heritage is in conflict with technology. I was wondering where he was going. Lucie says she'll write and Eve's got to write as well. Lucie mentions casually that she'll tell Jack to hang with Eve some, but Eve doesn't respond. She doesn't even cry after she hangs up, even though she knows Jack won't hang out with her and this makes her very depressed. Then Jane comes back from California to say the job is awesome and she's totally taking it. Eve is double sad and alone, and will have to pay rent by herself, but she tells Jane to take the job. Eve says she won't be lonely because she's going back to college. Hooray! Eve was just waiting to pay for Ted's bills before she started working on a helpful degree for herself. I was hoping she would do something do change her job since she isn't really comfortable with it.

Anyway, Eve does not get another apartment mate, like she told Jane she would, and the loneliness is too much. Eve's classes don't start until January 1^st (which I don't believe) so she finds an some evening lectures she can go to until then. It's on her way home from one of these evening lectures that Eve finally admits to herself that she's unhappy. It's been a long day and maybe that's why. She feels fatigued and more depressed, but maybe the fatigue will help her sleep. Wow. She should go see a doctor.

Then a man walks out of the shadows and moves toward her. He reaches for her, swearing under his breath, and Eve attacks. She screams and tries to gouge his legs with her heels (why is she wearing heels if she's walking?). He pulls her close and she claws at his face. He swears and lets her go. Then he smacks her on the face and her head slams into the pavement.

She wakes up later with people asking if she has any family. She says Tony's name and passes out again. Then she's in the hospital and Tony's there demanding a plastic surgeon to do the stitches on her face. They knock her out.

She wakes up again again in a hospital bed with Tony sitting next to her. He tells her not to talk because she's got a huge bruise on her cheek and it'll hurt. She's also got three broken ribs, a sprained ankle and ten stitches in her forehead. Those stitches won't show once they heal, apparently. Then Tony has to go because Eve needs her sleep. Tony kisses her on her unbruised cheek. Then he tells her everything will be fine and leaves. D'aw. What a sweetheart.

Two days later, Eve can talk and her forehead stitches look better, but the rest of her hurts even more. The newspapers have a field day with this story, for some reason. Eve's become famous.  Tony gives her the newspapers and she notes that in one column, Jack's name appears because Ted is married to Lucie. Eve thinks about how Jack will never forgive her for that when she looks up and there he is. It's like magic! Jack is hella pissed and he tells Eve she shouldn't have been out at “that time of night”. Shortly after ten is very late, I guess. Jack's at a loss for words and Eve is pointing out how it could have gone worse. Then Eve says something about the newspaper article making him pissed. Jack is confused, then he says that he's angry that Eve got hurt. He blathers on about the International Date Line, because he was in Singapore, and whatnot. Jack not with perfect poise? He must be upset.

Lucie and Ted told Jack to get to Eve right away, so he had no choice. “None of us was going to be satisfied until we knew how you were...” D'aw. Then Jack continues saying that Eve can leave the hospital tomorrow but she'll need someone to get stuff for her and whatnot, since she can't walk. That's why she's coming to Stonegate. Eve is pissed that he's deciding her life for her and Jack points out that she's got no alternative anyway. Really though, Jack, you should ask instead of state these things. I can see his proposal now, “We're going to get married, Eve.” She'll blink and say, “Aren't you going to ask me?” “Why? You'll say yes.” “Maybe I won't!”

Anyway, Jack says there's no reason to refuse unless Eve's remembering the night of the wedding. He had a nice time, and would have had a better one if he weren't a gentleman. Eve tells him not to make it worse. Jack points out that if Eve doesn't take his offer, Ted and Lucie will want to know why and he'll have to tell them about it. Blackmail is the best way to get the one you love close to you. I hit my sarcasm button so hard, I broke the desk it was sitting on.  Eve agrees to go to Stonegate. Then Jack looks at Eve's nails and asks if she tried to scratch out the eyes of her attacker. She says that she tried to and Jack gets happy. “Lucky for me that they haven't had time to grow back!” Then he leaves. Well then.

Eve enjoys her time at Stonegate. The servants aren't friendly, but they do their jobs well. Eve muses that Jack hired them because they weren't friendly. Wait. Is he isolating her from friends and family? I mean, she kind of did that to herself, but still. Hm. Anyway, Eve heals and the local doctor says she can walk as long as she doesn't overdo it. Hooray! The scar on her forehead is just a thin line and the bruise on her cheek is healing nicely. Life is good at the end of Eve's first week at Stonegate. She just had a nice, if solitary, dinner and she's curled up reading and listening to a specific song by Handel. She gets up and uses the poker to adjust a log on the fire. Life is so great and awesome. Then she sees movement out of the corner of her eye.

Stupid! Don't get comfortable ever! Guard dogs and security don't really work! Eve remembers the night of her attack and swings the poker wildly. “Eve!” The poker's yanked out of her hand, and then Eve sees that Jack's standing in front of her. Eve's brain tries to put itself back in the present but she's just now coming out of shock, so she starts swaying on her feet and realizes she's going to faint. Jack helps her to a couch until she comes to. Eve starts to say what she was thinking, but Jack knows so he finishes her sentences for her. She says she was afraid and Jack holds her close. Eve gets her face against Jack's shirt and starts crying. He holds her with one arm and strokes her hair with the other. “Let it all out...Don't stop until it's all out.” Aw. He's actually kind. When did this happen?

Eve realizes she's cried all over his shirt and gets embarrassed. Eve thinks that Jack will think she's taking liberties and, to avoid the confusion he causes her, she says she should go to bed. Jack agrees to this plan and picks her up. She tells him he shouldn't do this and that he can't, but she never tells him to put her down. She puts her arms around his neck, so I'm assuming he's carrying her bridal style. Jack says Eve should let people take care of her. Eve retorts that Jack hasn't let himself be taken care of and Jack replies that it's not relevant. Eve rests her head on his shoulder. Jack says that he can't remember when he's taken care of someone else this way. He sets her on her bed and unbuttons her robe. Then he turns down the covers for her and tucks her in. He says this sort of thing can't last, then he gives her a peck on the cheek.

D'aw. Jack's so sweet after you get attacked and cry like a baby in front of him.

No Love in Return-Chapter Seven: The Wedding

Ted and Lucie's wedding, remember? Anyway, Eve tries to make a sense of detachment between her and Jack in the two weeks she's got before the wedding. That all goes away when she nearly runs into Jack in Stonegate the Friday before the wedding. Jack got there early and Eve's a bit pissed she didn't have all the time to prepare herself she thought she'd have. Jack sweeps off to let Lucie know he's there, and she doesn't have to worry about his presence to give her away. Eve finds that her legs can't hold her and she interlaces her fingers to stop her hands from shaking.

Because Jack avoids Eve and speaks to her like she's a new acquaintance, that makes it easier for her not to stammer when she speaks to him. Avoiding the problem is the best way to solve it. Anyway, that doesn't matter when it's time for the wedding. Eve is swept up in how beautiful the scene is. The weather is more like June than mid-September and it's just so perfect! Eve realizes her brother's all grown up, and how deeply she wants Lucie and Ted to be happy. The music starts and Eve follows the bridesmaids up the aisle. After Jack gives Lucie away, he stands next to Eve for a moment and Eve realizes she wants this to be their wedding. She wants everything happening now to be for them. Oh, by the way, the ceremony's almost over when Eve starts paying attention again.

The rest of the ceremony is sentimental and so sweet. Then the receiving lines start and Eve realizes the rest of this evening's going to suck. Ted's and Lucie's friends are so young, and Jack's friends are so stiff and clever. Jack's even letting some gorgeous blonde flirt with him. Life is terrible, until Eve sees that Tony's there. Hi, Tony! Jane's too busy flirting with people and Jack's not someone Eve wants to talk to right now. Eve says she doesn't think anyone will bother with her tonight. Tony says he will. Aw. He's such a sweetheart. With Tony's support, Eve makes it through her one dance with Jack, that she doesn't want to end although it was hella awkward. Eve stands with the twenty-somethings for the bouquet, but doesn't try to catch it. Usual party stuff, blah blah. It's not long after Lucie and Ted leave that Eve makes an excuse and runs away. The terrace brings back memories and a couple is wandering into the garden, so Eve makes for the Grecian ruins. No one will be there!

Eve realizes that she's very alone now. Ted, the only family she seems to have, will be with Lucie all the time now, and on fieldwork. Tony and Jane don't count for some reason and she never had Jack. Everything sucks and Eve's reduced to tears. It's a good thing she's alone out here. Oh, hi Jack. Sure, Eve will use your handkerchief. Jack explains that he's lost his family today too and it also makes him sad. Hey, he's not stone! Jack decided that it would be a better idea to drink alone (ye-ah with nobody else) than stay at the party. Eve can totally stay, though.

Jack offers her some champagne and Eve refuses, but Jack basically says “C'mon! Don't think, just do it!” Well, when you put it that way. He says she doesn't have to get drunk with him, but we all know that happens anyway. Oh, they're sharing a glass, too, because Jack only grabbed one. Jack says that Eve doesn't like his friends and she agrees. Jack notes that Eve has been flirting a lot with Tony, but he seems to see that she doesn't want his hot body. Smart guy. Then Jack gets a second bottle of champagne and remarks that Eve's never flirted with him. Eve says that she could flirt with Tony since Jack was letting that bimbo flirt with him. Jack's happy that Eve got jealous because that means that he means something to her. He doesn't mean anything to anyone else at the wedding, apparently. Wow, your friends suck, Jack.

They keep drinking and Eve stares into the middle distance for awhile until Jack comes back with yet another bottle of champagne. He admits that he would rather be spending time with Eve than anyone else at the wedding because she matters to him, even though she doesn't like him and doesn't approve of what he does. Eve says that's not true, then gets a great idea.

She steps much closer to him. Jack asks what she's doing. She's trying to make him see that she does like him. She asks if he wants her to kiss him and he replies that of course he does. They have a deep passionate kiss, during which Eve drops the champagne glass. Then Jack tries to back away. Eve puts her hands on his shoulders, under his shirt, to keep him next to her. Then she says she wants to have sex with him. Jack, finally showing his colors as a good guy, says no. She's had too much to drink and an emotional day. It wouldn't be right. Eve doesn't care and she starts unbuttoning his shirt. She gets it completely unbuttoned and starts kissing his chest. With an effort, Jack pushes her away and says she should tell him that she wants him again when she's not drunk.

Hooray! Jack's started being a decent human being! Also, he totally likes her, he just doesn't know what this strange emotion is called. Hint: it's love.

No Love in Return-Chapter Six: He's an Icky Man!

That night, Eve berates herself for being dumb and horny. It's pretty obvious that she totally wants him, but she refuses to let herself have him if he won't love her. This can be solved once Jack realizes that he does love her, but we've still got five chapters after this one, so that won't happen too soon.

The next day, Eve takes forever getting ready in the morning to delay seeing Jack. Eventually, she goes downstairs and he's sitting alone at the breakfast table. He pours her coffee while Eve tries to avoid looking at his face. Jack tells her to man up because if she acts differently around him now, Ted and Lucie will want to know why. He suggests that she remain angry with him; that'll make it all better.

When Eve returns home, she thinks about how anger and resentment are more comfortable and safer than confusion and embarrassment. Yes, let the hatred grow. I think Eve's drifting toward the dark side of the Force. Anyway, Eve decides to stay angry and get really busy so she's got no time to dwell on the feeling of his lips on her skin and whatnot. Also, back at Stonegate, she had written Ted a huge check so he could buy Lucie a really nice diamond ring. Eventually, Ted accepted it. That gives Eve another reason to work like a crazy person. To be busy, she's got to attend “go-sees” which could be a real modeling term. Maybe. It's where the advertising company checks her teeth, metaphorically, and looks at pictures of her past work to see if she's a good fit for their company. It's awful, being judged on your appearance, and Eve hates these things. You know, that's why she continues to be a model. We don't get any description of these things. Verisimilitude details are fine, I guess. I hope this comes up at some point, though. Anyway. Eve gets a good amount of new jobs from this and is kept busy for the rest of the summer.

At some point during the summer, Lucie comes to New York to do wedding stuff and invites Eve to stay in Jack's apartment with her. Because Jack won't be there, Eve eventually agrees. This apartment is as rich and cold as Jack. Also, it's got no personality. Lucie notices Eve's discomfort in the apartment and says it shows the worst side of Jack. You know, he's totally got more to him than cold and hard. Oh, Lucie. “Ted and I have been talking about it, and both of us think you and Jack really do seem ideal for each other.” I had to put the book down and laugh. The man who doesn't believe in love and the romantic, ideal for each other? Egads. It seems Ted knows Eve about as well as Eve knows Ted. This is a bit more depressing because I'm sure Eve and Jack end up together, but she's got to change him first. At least Eve isn't saying that she can change him...yet. Anyway, Eve shoots down Lucie's suggestion and they move on.

Then, one Friday afternoon in early September, Jack sends a limo to Eve's work with a note summoning her. She just had a long day. Apparently it was mentally draining as well as being physically exhausting. I'm not sure how modeling can be mentally draining, but I've never modeled, so I wouldn't know. Anyway, she gets in the stranger's car and goes to Jack's office to see him. She was too tired to un-model-ify herself so she gets some looks when she walks in. Oh, the reception area of the office looks just like Jack's penthouse. He's spreading his personality-less decorating scheme all over! Eve is deposited in Jack's office and he comes in shortly after.

Jack just looks so sexy in his businessman outfit. He's wearing pinstripes, but his jacket is off, his tie is loosened and his waistcoat is buttoned. His hair is a mess, like he's been running his fingers through it in impatience or frustration. Nope, he can't love at all. Not even close. Jack thinks she's on her way out for the evening and he says he won't keep her long. She's totally demonstrated before that she goes out and has wild parties. Not that other thing. Eve decides not to correct him and sits down.

Jack says that Lucie tried to set him and Eve up when he had lunch with the engaged couple. Then he insinuates that Eve is trying to marry him for his money. It seems like Jack might be happier if he were poor. Then he wouldn't freak out all the time about people wanting his money. Eve accuses him of not having a heart, it's really business as usual. Jack's phone rings and he answers it. He tells whoever he'll be ready for some people soon. Eve starts leaving when Jack tells her she shouldn't have spent so much for Lucie's ring. He doesn't want her spending so much because she should give a little thought to herself. Eve tells Jack to keep his nose out of her business, throws the door open and slams it shut behind her. Then she sees the businessmen waiting for Jack. Well, whateves. Let Jack explain it. She squares her shoulders and leaves.

I think that went well, don't you?

No Love in Return-Chapter Five: She's Too Expensive

Ted and Lucie start talking about their own future, since Eve is so insistent hers is boring. They have lunch and Ted and Lucie start frolicking in the swimming pool. Eve didn't bring a suit, since someone didn't give her much time to pack, so she watches them until she realizes this is boring. She gets up and goes to the garden. Eve finds the serenity she lost when Lucie came tumbling out of the house and she wanders around the garden for awhile until Jack walks up and starts talking to her.

Eve says gardens are magic places. Jack replies with, “Yes, and I don't know what could be more appropriate than finding Eve in the garden.” I have been waiting 71 pages for that. They yammer on some more and Jack asks if it had occurred to Eve that he might want to be alone in life. Eve replies that she can't think of anyone preferring to be alone, just making the best of it. Hermits are so hyped up; they don't really leave society and live all alone. Jack gets bored of this conversation, or something, so he changes the subject to the gardens. There's this totally sweet knot garden that Eve hasn't seen yet. Jack takes her to look at it and starts talking about his family.

You see, his grandma liked planting gardens. At first, the knot garden didn't look nearly as pretty as the rose bushes that had been there before. Little Jack complained about this to his grandma, and she told him to be patient. Gardens teach you patience, you know. Eve remarks that the gardens “must have given her such pleasure...” Yes, it had to be phrased like that. Jack replies that the gardens were the only thing that made his grandma happy. She lived separate from her husband and she was probably lonely. The gardens were the only thing that made her happy! Sob

Then Jack keeps going with the family backstory. His grandma said his momma needed a garden to make her happy and make all those distractions unnecessary. Yes, “those distractions” are men other than her husband. I keep finding new favorite lines, but this one is up there, “I'm the last in a long line of misogynists.” Thanks, Jack. We know you're a jerk. I'm not convinced he's a misogynist, though. Anyway, his grandparents' marriage left its ruins all around Stonegate but at least they made a sweet collection of gardens. Jack's momma, after she had Jack, decided to have affairs. Jack's dad didn't care as long as she was discreet. Jack thinks Lucie could be a bastard, but he might love her more because of that possibility. Huh? Whateves. Anyway, Jack's mom just wanted love, but she kept choosing guys who wouldn't give that to her. Jack's almost-wife “saw the writing on the wall” and took off. Apparently, she's been married happily and is much better off than if she'd married Jack. Because, you know, he's a violent and rude man. Why doesn't Eve find someone else?

Anyway, Jack admits that he doesn't understand love. Just as Eve guessed, he is a hard man. Oh, here's another great line: “I'm third generation hard.” Hah! This book... Anyway, Eve would do well to remember that Jack doesn't know what love is. So, wait, what he's saying is: “I wanna know what love is! I want you to show me. I wanna feel what love is! I know you can show me.” Right? After making this clear, or not, Jack spins on his heel and stalks back into the house.

At dinner, Jack is brooding and staring at Eve. Wow! That's exactly what she wants, right? I mean, she's a romantic. Anyway, Eve agrees to be the maid of honor because she didn't want to admit she was pondering the mystery that is Jackson Sinclair. When she learns what she agreed to, Eve asks if they really want her to be maid of honor and Lucie says of course they do! If it weren't for Eve, this wouldn't have happened as nicely as it did. Jack supports this view, saying, “She has amazing powers of persuasion.” Really? After all that talk about how he changed his own damn mind. Really, Jack?

After dinner, Lucie and Ted go out somewhere and Jack says he has some calls to make. Eve goes to her room and reads, but she's just so restless. So, she goes out to the garden for a walk. Then she stares into a pond for awhile. Seriously, she's meditating in the garden. Can we just be up front about that? She looks up at the windows of the house and sees a shadow at one of the windows. That's totally Jack working at his desk, not watching her. Yup. Then Eve tells herself that she's a fool. It's just physical attraction and the mystique of Jackson Sinclair. Well, then run with it. If you're both okay with it... Except she wants a man that understands real love. Wow, there are so many song references I can make with this book.

After she's done meditating, Eve walks back to the house and stands in the shadows to look at the garden. Guess who else is standing in the shadows? If you guessed a kidnapper, a murderer or a salesman who's had one too many rejections, you're making this far too exciting. It's Jack. He mentions how Lucie wants to get married in the ruins of their grandparents' marriage. Well, maybe they're Lucie's grandparents. Whateves. But Eve can totally understand that because she's a romantic. Jack asks, discreetly, if Eve has a boyfriend. By that, I mean he says, “Don't you have many opportunities to put your romantic impulses to work? No men madly in love with you?” Eve says there aren't because they only want what they can get out of a relationship or, Jack finishes for her, they're not interested in her at all. It seems more and more likely that Tony is gay. Oh, also, she said nothing about wanting love, so Jack fits her criteria of “a good relationship”. That's a little scary.

Then Jack pressures her into joining him for a drink. He takes her to his office for the drink. You know, his private place. D'aw, he's so into her...and too commanding to make a real partnership. Anyway, Jack asserts that he feels ancient, he's nine years older than Eve after all. Then he tells her to turn around. No, seriously, that's how that bit of dialogue goes. Eve, bewildered, turns around and lets Jack pull the hairpins out and drop them haphazardly on the floor. He runs his fingers through her hair and turns her back around. He tells her she shouldn't wear her hair up. It should be loose, free to tumble and fall everywhere. “There's no use being Eve in the garden if you don't look the part. But you tempted me all the same. You still do.” Aw ye-ah. If you couldn't tell where this was going when he took out her hair pins, I'm sure you get it now. Although, his kiss has “nothing to do with how he felt about her and everything to do with how he wanted her to feel.” She says please, but he makes her say that he tempts her before he kisses her passionately. He says he totally wants her, then he takes off her dress and they start exploring each other. They both want more, they want everything! So, you know, they want sex. They get on a couch and start...the writing is vague so they could be having sex or they could still be doing foreplay. Whichever makes you happier, I suppose.

Then Eve hears Ted and Lucie start walking down the hall. She says no and tries to free herself from him because the happy couple will see them. Jack says they're totally fine because no one comes in there unless they're told to. He kisses her until they leave and seems to think that was the end of it. Psh! Why would what a woman says have only one layer of meaning? Eve says, “We can't do this!” Jack, the charmer, replies, “Of course we can...We're doing it, Eve.”

Then she flat out says no and twists away. She says it doesn't mean anything to him. Jack gets all pissy and protective of his money and replies, “It doesn't mean marriage if that's what you're talking about...” Psh! Marriage! She's not every girl, and she don't need no man to take care of her. Sure you got a job, sure you got a car, sure you can pay your own rent. Don't wanna dance if it is not in her heart. That song's lyrics are in first person if you want to find it. Anyway, Eve wants love from him before she'll have sex with him. They both ask each other not to ask more than they can give and Eve puts her dress back on. Eve says she thought there was more and Jack snaps back that there isn't. Then he pours himself a drink and says he's been as honest with her as he knows how to be. Oh, another great line: “All I ask is love, and if that's more than you can give, find some other woman to tempt you and be good with you! My price is higher than that.” Hah. Eve just called herself a whore for love. As she leaves the room, Jack kills the pain with another swig of booze.

So, Jack, you don't know what love is. I'm pretty sure you're feeling it. I mean, it's possible you're just in lust with this girl, but it sure seems to be more than that. How about you go have a nice meditation in the garden and think about this? Yes, you can have an ice cream sundae first.

No Love in Return-Chapter Four: A Whirlwind Weekend

Despite my hopes, Jack says, “It must have been quite a party.” He also failed to imply that Eve had someone stashed in her bed. Shame. All right, anyway, he barges into Eve's apartment at 2 in the morning and tells Eve to put on a robe because, you know, sexual tension and whatnot. [Later in the chapter, I learn that it probably was 2 PM. You'll see.] Once she's done that, she comes back and starts talking. Jack interrupts her and starts ranting about this note that Lucie left him. It's a hastily written note, saying that she and Ted were going to be married in two weeks instead of the approximate year they'd said before. Hey, they are catching on! Jack doesn't give Eve a chance to explain again and says that she was involved with this because he told her he was going to wait it out. Clearly, Eve is a mastermind at fortune hunting or something.

Then Jack states that he and Eve will go to Stonegate now to figure this out with Ted and Lucie. He doesn't ask Eve anything, he just commands. Seriously, she says, “I'm not going anywhere with you.” Jack's response: “Yes, you are.” It's a family matter and Jack thinks women all have an innate knowledge of planning weddings. Then comes my favorite line: “If she continued to refuse, she was afraid he might actually use physical force.” Really? This is the guy you end up with. Eve, you have options. Tell him no and to get out. If he doesn't, call the cops. If that's too scary, then say you'll pack and lock yourself in your room. Then, if he threatens you, you can call the cops. I mean, really. You don't have to go on a plane ride with the rich asshole to his private estate. She totally does. By the way, while Eve's packing, Jane comes back and meets Jack. This might be important later. Maybe.

When they get to Stonegate, Jack sends Eve off to her room and says Lucie and Ted will be there in two hours. It's nap time! Eve comes back downstairs two hours later to notice a conspicuous lack of Lucie and Ted. Jack is snippy about his plan failing and Eve taunts him. He tells her not to be clever because it doesn't suit her. I have to ask again: Really? This is the guy you end up with, Eve?

Then Jack stops harshing Eve's buzz quite so much and disarms her with a smile. Eve accuses Jack of having women throwing themselves at his feet and he points out that she hasn't. Eve retorts that she never will. Really? I'm gonna hold you to that one, Eve. Also, I doubt women throw themselves at Jack. He isn't a famous rich guy and, as previously stated, he's kind of an asshole. He may be hot, but if the girls don't know he's loaded, they won't care as much. Does Jack even go to parties or other places where ditzy bimbos would have the chance to throw themselves at him? I don't think he does, but only Mrs. Barnes can answer that.

Jack and Eve go to dinner. Also, I totally got the timing wrong. Unless it takes forever to get from wherever Eve lives on the West coast to Boston-ish, then it was 2 PM that Jack barged into her apartment. That's slightly better, I suppose. Anyway, Eve feels less cranky after eating. She only had a sweet roll today, so that makes sense. For whatever reason, Eve starts to feel a higher sense of general well-being as dinner continues. When Jack's talking about impersonal topics and giving the hungry girl booze, he seems like a great guy. I assume Eve knows not to drink on an empty stomach, but it isn't specified.

After dinner, Jack leaves Eve alone in the library. He's going to try to reach Ted or Lucie again. Eve wonders if it's wise to feel so comfortable with Jack. But that's why it's so right! I'll answer your question, Eve: No.

Jack got a hold of either Ted or Lucie to find out they'd gone out for the weekend. Those scheming schemers! They didn't think he'd want to talk about this so soon, apparently. A two week deadline leaves plenty of time for mulling things over, so says Lucie. Then Eve says something that makes me smile, “This is getting to be a melodrama.” Getting to be?

Jack admits she's right, but he just wonders: what is love? Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me no more. Well, part of that, anyway. Oh, important detail, Jack was not broken-hearted by being left at the altar. He was not madly in love. I'm guessing she got preggers and he felt marrying her would be the right thing to do, but Jack doesn't tell us any details for us to make sense of his story.

Jack admits that Eve has “a softening influence” on him as he brushes some hair off her face. Oh yeah, this is a romance novel and not just a book about people bickering. Eve replies that he's always angry with her, but “there was no anger now in the way the tips of his fingers were tracing the curve of her cheek.” Remember when she was worried he'd use violence to get his way earlier this same day? Just wondering if I'm the only one who does. Jack asks why Eve didn't tell him she'd been gone a week, then immediately starts kissing different spots on her face. Finally, she tells him he didn't give her a chance to respond. Wait, which time? They keep talking until we get to a description I think sums up their whole relationship: “moulding her body against the hard line of his.”

Then they kiss and Jack gets to second base! To be clear, I mean he totally gets to touch girl-boob. Jack says they have a problem that they won't solve tonight, then kisses Eve again. Then he sends her off to bed, “...with a twisted smile, 'before I forget to be wise!'” I'm worried about Eve. Even if Ted and Lucie show up later, she's still falling for someone who's a couple of ranks below Edward Cullen on my creep-o-meter.

The next day, Eve is enjoying a lovely, tranquil breakfast alone on the terrace, enjoying the spring delights of the garden when Lucie runs out of the house and throws herself on Eve. Lucie is bubbly, Ted is standoffish and Eve reveals Jack started talking about planning for the wedding. Then Jack shows up and says Eve totally didn't change his mind. He wanted to change it! Although, he still doesn't understand why they're getting married so early. Ted, with remarkable poise, explains that his fieldwork got moved up. It would be terrible for him and Lucie to be separated for so long and unacceptable for her to come along if they weren't married. Eve is shocked at her brother's social graces enough that I wonder if she really knows him. He says “sir” in all the right places and everything!

Also, Ted and Lucie had discussed how they'll feel after “the novelty wears off.” Ted admits that Lucie is too cheerful for most men, but he's totes okay with it because he's been alone and he likes the warmth and enthusiasm. Ted also admits that he has some “scholarly idiosyncrasies” but Lucie's had to be adaptable her whole life, so why stop now? Yes, Ted, but it is so strange that you call every date a mating ritual.

Jack is convinced that because they've talked about it, they'll be fine (probably true, if their communication stays that sincere) and throws in that he couldn't stand either of them for long. Thanks, Jack. You just said that to your sister and your future brother-in-law. What a jerk.

Jack folds and dictates some terms. He'll announce their engagement properly and then they'll have a wedding at Stonegate. It won't be a formal wedding, but it'll be, “in good taste and properly done...” So, does “formal wedding” mean it involves a Catholic mass? I'm a little lost. Either way, it means that a Star Wars themed wedding is probably out of the picture. Damn.

Lucie points out that kind of wedding (whatever “that kind” means) is a lot of work and Jack offers up Eve's services...if she's willing of course! Or, ya know, there are people one can hire. Either way. In closing, Jack promises his continued emotional and monetary support and Ted assures him the second is not necessary, but welcomed anyway. Jack says the equivalent of “whateves” and leaves.

Well, that went well. Lucie thinks they opened a wound because Jack's wedding got called off at the last minute and blah, blah, Eve will you just ask for details already? Jack said he didn't really care, but I know it's going to keep coming up until we get his side. Anyway, then Lucie and Ted start saying that Jack totally digs Eve. Eve denies it, despite substantial evidence, more of which is provided by Lucie and Ted including the bullet-proof: “I've seen the way he looks at you, the way he watches you.” “Every Breath You Take” by the Police just started playing in my head.

Anyway, Eve totes likes to spar with Jack, even if she won't admit it. She and Jack can meet as equals, and there's not many men about whom that's true. Because, you know, he's so different and whatnot. Eve says she's never met anyone like Jack before and, “He's far too domineering and autocratic for my taste.” Just to be sure, I looked up domineering and dictionary.com said it means “inclined to rule arbitrarily or despotically; overbearing; tyrannical”. That sounds about right. Tyrants rule by force or threat of it. So, I guess if Eve realizes this I can't yell at her too much for hanging out with Jack. She's not blind, just stupid.

No Love in Return-Chapter Three: He's Not Human! He is...Robocop!

Because of various logistics including the placement of airports, Jack decides that he'll take Eve back home after the weekend and Ted and Lucie can drive themselves. Of course, Jack and Lucie leave on Saturday to beat the weekend traffic and Jack and Eve are going to leave the following morning at four. Egads. Eve could find no objection to this plan, but I can.

Anyway, Eve and Jack spend a pleasant evening together, shooting the breeze and such. Then, after dinner, Jack asks if Eve wants to know why he had her stay. Well, because she's dying of curiosity, of course. Eve says she decided not to ask why Jack wasn't an overwhelming pissant about Ted and Lucie. So there. Then Eve notices, “Their isolation in this part of the house, coupled with dim light, soft music and the warmth of the fire was creating an uncomfortable sense of intimacy.” He's not doing it right if she feels uncomfortable.

Jack kind of apologizes for his actions and says he rarely does what people expect. Then he explains why he wasn't an overwhelming pissant about Ted and Lucie. Jack figures that if Ted isn't “forbidden fruit”, then Lucie will stop liking him and won't want to marry him. They've got about a year. I'm not sure why Jack doesn't think they'll get married sooner than right before Ted starts his fieldwork, but whateves.

Jack says that he thinks Eve thinks he's a terrible person and that Eve wants Lucie to hate him. Interesting. Do they both find each other infuriating? Anyway, Jack admits that Lucie matters a lot to him and that he'll spend the year getting to know Ted instead of hiring detectives to learn Ted's habits. Jack says he likes it when Eve is “blunt and outspoken”, blah blah. Then Jack says it's time for bed and Eve is glad to get there. No, to her own bed without him in it. This is only the third chapter, silly.

Anyway, they pause at the base of the stairs and Jack asks if he's forgiven. Eve says she's unsure if there's anything to forgive, and then he kisses her. This kiss is so passionate and full of current, it's just too much for me to describe here. Jack's response? “You didn't even try to make that happen. Remarkable. Goodnight, Eve.”

The next morning, Eve thinks about how maybe she dreamed that kiss. Jack coldly asks if it's okay if he works as they drive. Eve says it's fine and she sits there and thinks, mostly about how she's never responded to a man's kiss before. She's twenty-eight and she's never responded to a kiss? Geeze. I'm sorry, Eve.

Jack wakes her up and for a moment, I think the car ride was a dream and they'll get down to some serious smooching. Nope. She fell asleep on the car ride and now they're getting on the plane. By “the plane”, I mean a fancy private jet with all the trimmings. Jack sits at his desk to work, and now Eve pulls out a book. Why didn't she do that before?

Jack asks what she's reading and she replies that it's about paleoanthropology and Ted passed it on to her. Geeze. Apparently, she likes it, and because of this the people she works with think she's odd. You see, she always has a book with her at work so she has something to do while they're changing the lights. I mean, I can understand that but it's kind of strange that she doesn't talk to people or something. She is supposed to be working.

Then Jack confesses that he doesn't worry, he acts. If he can't act, then he just leaves the situation. He sounds like the perfect man, Eve. I'm pushing my sarcasm button, just wanted to be clear. Then we get the first mention of the debate about Jack being human that Eve has.

Back at the ranch, AKA Eve's apartment, Eve is cleaning up a weekend's worth of crap that her apartment mate, Jane, left lying around. You see, they have the perfect relationship. Jane throws wild parties and brings home knickknacks for the apartment, and Eve cleans up after her. Sarcasm button. Also, Jane is so unrepentant about her mess that Eve just has to smile. Aw, that darn Jane, leaving her dirty dishes all over the place again. You know how she is.

Then Jane squeals about how Eve and Jackson Sinclair are totes gonna be an item or something. Jane is a romantic at heart. Eve firmly says that she only calls him Jack because he's going to be her brother-in-law and that's all. The only romance happening here is Ted's and Lucie's. Too bad Eve doesn't realize she's the main character in a romance novel.

Oh, Jane knew about all of this because Tony called the apartment and told her about it. After Eve's done telling Jane what happened, Tony shows up to take Eve out to dinner. She won't need to change for this meal, though. That's a relief, I was starting to feel like I needed to read with both pinkies out. Also, I'm not saying this just because Tony works with models but, I wouldn't be too surprised if he and Jack ended up together. I mean, if it weren't for the conventions of a romantic novel.

The next few weeks show a lack of Jack, so we don't hear about them. Lucie, Ted and Jack spend a nice evening together at Stonegate but that's about it.

So, Eve has been working for a week modeling in California. She just had to take the next flight home and sleep in her apartment, even if she gets there right before the butt crack of dawn! All right, who's surprised that Jane left a huge mess from a party because she had to jet off to another one? Anyone? Oh, and there's no coffee left so Eve will have to go buy some.

All right, that's the last straw, damn it! Screw your note, Jane! Eve isn't picking up your stupid mess! She's gonna take a shower, and then go to bed! At about two, the door buzzer goes off and Eve is pissed at Jane further for forgetting her key. Eve didn't think she'd be disturbed until five or six. Wait just a moment here. Five or six AM? Really? People go knock on other people's doors at five or six? All right, whatever. It isn't Jane at the door, it's Robocop. Sorry, I mean Jack. Much less interesting. It's because he's so inhuman, all right? Don't worry, that nickname won't stick.

So, Eve answers the door pissed off, with her hair a mess and in a nightgown. Then she sees it's Jack and she stops. He takes in her appearance and the mess of the room beyond. I can hear it now... “No indiscretions, huh? It looks like a party vomited all over your apartment and left, except perhaps for whoever stayed behind in your bed.” Either that, or he'll simply smile and ask, “Room for one more?”

I can only hope he'll say that, but I know he won't. He'll just look at her with those knowing eyes, eyes that have a serial number around the iris, and she'll squirm...because he's hitting her with laser vision!

That was the last one, I promise.