No Love in Return-Chapter Two: Jackson Sinclair is Dastardly Infuriating

Eve wakes up early to go for her morning jog. You see, it's not all glamorous living and parties when you're a model-you actually have to work to keep yourself looking good. Who knew? While she's out jogging, Eve literally runs into Jack. By the way, on her jog we get hints that she's an architecture nut. I mention this because I assume later Jack will buy her an old house or something and it will be the most romantic thing ever. Or something.

Both Jack and Eve are surprised at each other for being awake so early. He implies that she's got lots of indiscretions and she denies it. Blah blah blah, they're totes falling for each other, although Jack does not believe in a thing called love. Then the conversation turns to how Eve is only there to plead for Jack and Lucie as a couple. Jack tells Eve to meet in his office at ten to discuss it.

Breakfast is boring because Jack isn't there. Lucie talks about how she sees Jack, and Eve disagrees, although not out loud. After the meal, Eve gets herself dolled up, although Jack saw her all sweaty and in running clothes this morning so maybe it doesn't matter.

Eve walks down the hall to Jack's study/office and they open the conversation with more architecture. I'm not sure I follow the conversational logic, but they get onto the subject of Jack not having kids and then to Lucie inheriting everything if she and Ted make babies. Bam! Jack changes and gets all pissy about not trusting anyone with his money. Eve is surprised that Lucie is right about Jack when he's in this mood. There was a girl who left him practically at the altar when Lucie was young. I'm assuming she left because she only wanted Jack's money and he fell in love with her. Or something.

They argue about money. Eve says that she and Ted totes aren't concerned with money and Jack pulls out a folder that has a credit check on them and says that Eve and Ted should be concerned about it. Apparently, Eve has two outstanding loans. Maybe those are the student loans I was looking for. The conversation escalates and Eve accuses Jack of not understanding love. She finishes by saying that Ted and Lucie will get married with or without Jack's blessing, or a mention in his will, and that if he doesn't let them get married they will anyway and he'll be all alone.

Then Eve walks for an hour. She doesn't think, “That man is so infuriating!” but I know she means it. I mean, she was walking for an hour to calm down. Clearly, because he annoys her so much, they will fall deeply in love. No, really. That's how these things seem to work, even outside of romance novels.

So, Eve confers with Lucie and Ted after her walk and tells them she doesn't think she's succeeded. Lucie laughs and says that Jack takes in more than you think during an argument.

Later, Eve dresses for dinner (See? It's totally a fancy place!) and joins a happy mood when she walks into the room with the other three. Jack is being completely non-threatening about this whole thing and Eve is puzzled. Oh, by the way, at one point during the night, Eve mentally refers to Jack as, “the enigma seated to her left.” Hook, line and sinker.

Throughout the night, Jack looks at Eve with, “a wicked gleam in his eyes, and a smile of mocking amusement...” but he only looks at her this way. She's special and unique to him.

Eve wants to ask Jack about why he hasn't told the lovers (although they aren't technically lovers, so says Eve) that they can't get married, but he doesn't give her the chance to be alone with him all evening, the next morning, or into the afternoon. Why won't he talk to her alone? He's just so....dastardly....annoying.

No Love in Return-Chapter One: The Unwilling Model and the Attractive Businessman

The book opens with Eve looking at Jackson Sinclair. From what Jackson's sister, Lucie, had said, Eve had expected a middle aged, “bloodless businessman”. Although Lucie seems to love him, when Jackson Sinclair walks into the room, she grabbed Ted's hand. However, the man standing before her was in the prime of his life, and so very sexy. On the second page of the story, Eve is already describing his mouth as sensual. Even if I hadn't read the back of the book, I'd know she was totally into him. If only Eve had taken Tony's word for it, she would have been prepared.

Then we begin to get some explanation for all of these names. You see, Eve is just like you or me. Just because she happens to be beautiful enough to be able to make a living, and put her brother through college, by posing in front of cameras doesn't mean that she wants to be a model. Also, you can tell this book is old (published in 1989) because Eve is able to pay for all of her brother's college and there's no mention of student loans. Tony is the guy who takes the pictures of her and he takes an interest in Eve because she doesn't want to be a model. Her parents died after she'd gotten a two year degree at a Liberal Arts college. What's a poor girl with little education to do to make lots of money? She becomes a model. If she were a whore, this would be a different kind of book entirely. You see, it would be cruel not to put her brother, Ted, through college because he's so brilliant. He couldn't have taken loans or put himself through college.

Anyway, Tony tells Eve that Lucie is much more than “comfortably off”, she's stinking rich. Lucie's brother, Jackson, wants to forbid Ted from marrying Lucie because Jackson thinks Ted is only after Lucie's money. Oh yes, there's a time limitation because Ted's going to be an anthropologist and he's going to his fieldwork in less than a year and the two want to be married before that. Lucie was a student in Ted's Intro to Anthro course, you see. So she'll be married, and going through college, while he's in another country? That's one hell of a long distance relationship.

So, Eve is going to spend the weekend at the Sinclair's house in Boston with Lucie, Ted, and Jack to plead with Jack on behalf of the couple. Although, if Ted's just after Lucie's money, why would Ted's sister make a difference? In any case, the author makes sure Tony calls Eve innocent (Garden of Eden, anyone?) before we're taken back to the time when the book begins. You see, Jack is just so different from other men and “more attractive than any man had a right to be...” He takes his time staring at Lucie, Ted, and Eve before talking. Then we learn that he came to Boston this weekend just to see Lucie. He's had a rough week and would have stayed in London to sleep if not for his lil' sis. He declines polite talk that night and leaves the room.

Also, Jackson is apparently just like his father-passionless and coldly logical. That's what Lucie told Eve, anyway. After Jackson was born, their dad didn't care anymore and apparently Lucie was “a momentary lapse” on dad's part. According to Lucie, Jackson only cares about making money and doesn't like spending it and only talks to Lucie when he's lecturing her not to spend it. All evidence we've seen to the contrary doesn't seem to enter Lucie's mind.

When Eve's getting ready for bed, she looks in the mirror and is unhappy that she looks so much like a model. You see, Jack likes to keep out of the news and being related to a model won't help that. Eve's getting over the hill, though. She's already 28. Egads. By the way, Jack's probably in his mid-thirties. After thinking that maybe a more private line of work would make Jack happier, Eve gets up from her table and turns out the light. She goes to open a window and sees Jack leave the house and light a cigarette outside. She wonders if he was so tired, why he's awake and wandering. He leans against a tree, smokes the whole cigarette, and then wanders into the gardens. Then Eve thinks about how she can just tell that he loves this place and the only thing they have in common is loving Stonegate, the name of the expensive, nicely kept mansion where they're all spending the weekend.

All right, Eve, the reason he's awake is because he's thinking about you. Clearly, your beauty has turned him right round, right round, like a record. Also, Eve has to convince Jack that love is a real thing so he'll let Ted and Lucie get married. Hm. Now how could Eve do that? I mean, the back of the book says that Jack says he wants an affair with Eve, so she's kind of got her work cut out for her. Tune in next time to find out!

I said I wouldn't but...

I ended up getting several more trashy romance novels for free.  You know what that means: this blog is back in business.  Since I don't have any of the books in front of me, I can't tell you which one I'll start with.  Some of them are legit Harlequin Romance novels, and some seem a bit trashier than that.  In any case, there will be snarkiness and there will be romance. Stay tuned to see which book I start with.

Update: I'm starting with No Love in Return by Elizabeth Barnes.  I'm doubting that the title of the book is the status of the main couple at the end, but I could be wrong about this romance novel.

Chapter Twenty: Consequences and Epilogue

So, Prudence drags herself out of the rubble. What about Sebastian?! Oh no! He could be dead!! Oh, hi there Mr. Worth. Could you stop thinking Prudence is the Devil Earl's wife and help? No? Oh, hi James. Why are you down here? To dig Sebastian out, of course.

Sebastian has some cuts and he broke his leg but that's all. They get him out of there in three pages. Not really a big deal. Oh! Prudence isn't always right, though. She was wrong this time about the other part of the cave being safe. Well, I take it all back. She's in no way a Mary Sue. Well, she's close, but she isn't. It's a romance novel, she's just the main character.

Anyway, everyone's crowded around Sebastian's bed. James is taunting him. Eventually, Sebastian reveals that they found a fortune. Woot! Life is awesome when you have money! Then Phoebe turns to Prudence and asks what they were doing in the cave in their nightclothes. I really want to read Prudence's answer, but the scene shifts. Aw man.

It's late at night in the library. Prudence is stuck in her novel. She's not sure how to get her characters out of the basement. Sebastian wanders down on his crutches. He's using the secret passageway. Man, if he fell in there, I think only Prudence would know he could be there. Whatever, it'll be fine.

Anyway, Prudence is also worried that Sebastian will be bored. Oh yeah, they're totes married now. So, Prudence complains about her problem in her story and Sebastian offers some ideas. Prudence decides that Sebastian should write some and she bustles off to get tea. When she comes back, he has an idea and they write furiously all night long. Well, until they stop to have sex, anyway.

The chapter ends with Prudence thinking this is a good beginning.

Epilogue!

Woah. They have kids? What? How did that happen? Also, the village accepted Ravenclaw and James. Prudence's and Sebastian's books sell well. They have a little boy, Bartholomew, who's kind of a jerk and has gotten the nickname Devil Earl, and a little girl, Evelina who doesn't seem to have a personality. She's two. How old is the boy? I dunno.

Prudence gets dragged out of the store to deal with her son. Bartholomew decided to play Indian by chasing someone's chickens around. He also tied his nursemaid to a tree.

Anyway, the lady who owns the chickens talks to Prudence like nothing had happened after Bartholomew stops being an energetic kid so that we can learn what a great success James is and how the village thinks that family is awesome now. Bartholomew charms the old lady so that the book ends with: “God bless you, then, Devil Earl.”

Aw. Isn't that sweet? Well, I hope you enjoyed this satirical summary. It was lots of fun to write, but I don't think I'll do this again unless I get another free, terrible book. Thanks for reading!

Chapter Nineteen: Remember That “Drama” Thing?

Prudence took the secret passageway to Sebastian's room. I mean, the author barely hinted at that so I wasn't sure that's what she would do. I thought she'd be stuck in that library forever! Prudence tells Sebastian that Mr. Poo-Face locked her in the library and Sebastian freaks out. A life without Pru? No! Then he realizes that he loves her. Really? Just now? All righty then...

Anyway, Sebastian gets up and gets his brother. Both guys tell their ladies to lock themselves in their bedrooms. Remember James' crew? I didn't, but they come up later and then I wondered why the brothers don't wake up the crew. For all they know, there's a bunch of smugglers wandering around Wolfinger Abbey. Nah. I'm sure the two of them will be able to handle it. Oh yeah, there's a huge storm going on. Wolfinger Abbey is not pleased at this intrusion!

James sneaks up behind one of them smugglers and holds a knife to his throat. The smuggler tells James there's three of them. Sebastian ties the guy up, gags him, and leaves him locked in the pantry. You're not going to knock him out? You're just going to assume the ropes will hold or that he can't make noise in the pantry? Fine. Whatever.

The brothers wander into the great hall. James sees Mr. Poo-Face himself, so he goes and wrassles him. James has a score to settle on Phoebe's account, after all. Sebastian figures that his brother will win eventually, and he lurks in the shadows instead.

Can we please have a book just about James? Please?

During a flash of lightning, Sebastian notices that the great hall has been ravaged. Yes, ravaged. There's a broken mirror and a portrait of the Devil Earl has been slashed. Shit just got real. Sebastian is pissed.

James has Mr. Poo-Face by the throat when someone from the doorway tells James to put him down. It's the smugglers' boss. Sebastian sees the guy is too far away for a good shot, so he continues lurking. Really? That must be a huge great hall. Maybe it's really great. I dunno.

Anyway, James calls the chief's bluff, saying that he'll kill Mr. Poo-Face unless the smuggler chief drops his pistol. The smuggler chief does not give a flying fig from outer space. Then he says something to Mr. Poo-Face that's too bad ass to belong in this book: “You have become tiresome. I would shoot you myself, but I can't spare a bullet.” Yes! Can we have a book about this guy instead?

Sebastian decides now would be a good time to step in. He enters the light and tells the chief to drop his gun. Oh yeah, the storm goes crazy, lightning strikes a tree, and the branches slide down a window. Can we stop insinuating that Sebastian controls the elements? He doesn't.

The chief fires and Sebastian does too. Sebastian gets hit in the chest. James races over to try to stop the bleeding, but Sebastian was shot through the heart. As he bleeds out, he says one word: Prudence.

OK, so both men fire, but neither shot hits. Sorry, guys. The chief runs away and he goes under the eastern arch. The brothers stand at the bottom and watch the chief go up the steps. James asks if they should tell him. Nah.

The smuggler chief opens a door and races through it, only to fall onto the rocks below with a wet splat. You see, the Devil Earl built a door that goes to nowhere because he's a jerk.

Later, Prudence and Phoebe are at breakfast. The men have just returned from the magistrate. Wouldn't you know it? Prudence was right again. The smugglers who were there somehow escaped. So, Sebastian and James decided to bring smuggler #1 and Mr. Poo-Face back to Wolfinger to await the exercisemen. Yeah, I don't know either.

Oh yeah, while that conversation is happening, they get sidetracked. I mean, Phoebe and James have to stare into each other's eyes for a bit. Prudence and Sebastian have a bit of dialogue instead. Sebastian's glad Prudence isn't as effusive as Phoebe. Prudence says she can be sometimes, if-ya-know-what-I-mean. Sebastian tells her that sometimes, he totally digs that. Then he gives “her a slow, wicked smile that promised untold delights.” I can tell you what those untold delights are. Sex.

Anyway, Phoebe asks if she and James can live in the cottage that she and Prudence used to call home. You know, Phoebe will live there with her husband and Prudence can live in Wolfinger with her....her...um. Yeah! Of course, you can come visit, Prudence. Also, their conversation ends with an innuendo. I didn't want you to miss out.

Anyway, late that night, Sebastian creeps into Prudence's room and wakes her up. Apparently she sleeps naked now. He hands her a robe and she slides it on and steps into her slippers. They're gonna do something before Sebastian boards up the passage. I'm pretty sure you know where this is going.

They sneak down there, past the sleeping Mr. Worth, and step into the cave. Remember that rock on which Sebastian wanted to have sex with Prudence? Yeah. That happens. Anyway, in the warmth of the afterglow, Prudence yells out, “I love you!”

Wait. What? You love him? I did not see this coming. He tells her that he's been in love with her for awhile. Oh yeah? Well, I've loved you longer! Nu-uh! Yuh-huh!

Anyway, they're about to go at it again when Sebastian asks if this means Prudence will marry him. What a classy way to propose.

Anyway, Sebastian carries Prudence back in the cave, several hours later apparently. That was the best sex of his life, blah blah blah. Oh look! This part of the wall is different colored! Prudence sticks Sebastian's knife in it (I'm not being figurative here) and discovers another part of the cavern.

Look, gold! The Devil Earl must have been a pirate! All right. I want a book about James, the smuggler chief, or the actual Devil Earl instead of this one. Please? Well, to be fair, there's only one more chapter and an epilogue left in this one.

Anyway, Sebastian is glad the gold has just been discovered now. He'll actually put it to good use now. So, they're starting to move the chest out when Wolfinger Abbey gets angry! Stuff starts falling down! “Sebastian, forget the gold!” Then Prudence falls forward and the world goes black.

See, because when you've tied up the plot, but you need more pages, just throw your characters into another predicament at the end of a chapter. I'm guessing this will be resolved fairly quickly. Oh, also, Mr. Worth didn't wake up when they were tearing the wall apart? I know they're in the cellars, but the noise might have been amplified... Fine. Whateves.

Chapter Eighteen: The Disappointment

I really should not have gotten excited for this fight. It sucked. I'm getting ahead of myself.

Prudence, Phoebe, and Ravenclaw travel back to Wolfinger by coach and James sails there in Will-o'-the-wisp, his ship. I dunno, I think he's trying too hard with that name. Well, someone is anyway...

Mrs. Worth freaks out that she and her husband have to deal with three people. Prudence offers her and her sister's help to Mrs. Worth. Silly Prudence, that's not allowed. Mrs. Worth says she'll manage somehow. The next day James walks in. He's alive! Mrs. Worth says she'll trust Sebastian more now. Oh, Mrs. Worth, did we mention that James' crew is staying here too? Poor woman.

James' crew watches the cave every night, but the smugglers don't come back until the dark of the moon. Sebastian hangs in the shadows, intimidates the smugglers with his name and the threat of the abbey itself, and refuses to be bought off or let the smugglers leave. Two of the smugglers try to run so James shoots one of them. We don't know where the guy gets shot until the end of the paragraph. No, he didn't die and neither did James shoot him in the kneecap to keep him from running. The guy got shot in the shoulder. Anyway, James' crew ties up the smugglers and disarms them.

James steps forward and asks if they remember him. He calls a few by name, but he's so different now that they don't recognize him. James tells them who he is, then starts deciding what to do with them. He could turn them over to his captain, but that guy is...out of business now. (I'm going to pretend that the captain is dead. It makes this more interesting.) Then there's this guy who wanted James dead. James puts his gun against the guy's temple, sighs, and doesn't shoot him. You know, guys, let's just turn them over to the magistrate. Lame.

James' crew hauls off the smugglers and James adds their ship to his, making a fleet of two. Oh, also, Sebastian thinks about how his brother came out of this experience much better and different and stuff. Wow. It's a good thing Phoebe still loves him. Although, I'm not sure if that'll last too long since he's so changed now.

Sebastian thinks briefly about how he doesn't want to smugglers to know about the secret passage, but then he starts thinking about Prudence and he stops caring. She's probably peeking around the corner of the secret passage, you know. Prudence is worried the magistrate will just let the smugglers go, but Sebastian tells her she's over thinking this. Prudence decides to take the Beatles' advice and let it be. Sebastian plans how they'll get back into the house, go in the library, take the secret passage, and go have sex.

Oh hi there, Mr. Worth. No, you shouldn't shoot Sebastian. Mr. Worth's gun hits the floor and fires. What? Really? Fine. The rest of the house comes running and Phoebe cries on Sebastian, asking where her husband is. No sex for you tonight, Sebastian.

Anyway, all this adventure and such makes Prudence want to write. I mean, it's too bad she and Sebastian didn't get to have sex the night before, but they did earlier this day so it's okay. It's way past midnight now and Prudence is in the library writing. Hey, there's someone walking around out there. Sebastian would use the secret passage and Phoebe wouldn't be walking around at night. Secret passage? Oh yeah secret passage. You know it's there.

Anyway, it's Mr. Poo-Face himself! He and his buddies are gonna steal from Sebastian...but he's totally not a thief. Just in case you were curious. Anyway, he makes a comment about how Prudence is the uglier sister, but it doesn't matter in the dark. Prudence hefts a big ol' brass ornament and told him to step up off. Resistance? Well, we've seen that Mr. Poo-Face can't handle that. He basically says that no one wants her anyway. Then he says he'll go visit Phoebe instead. Just do that. Can there be something that results from this? Anyway, he locks her in the library. Clearly, no one will hear her yelling and he can get on with looting.

It seems Sebastian not having a boat and not leaving by water made the smugglers catch on that he go into the cave some other way. Maybe he should have given them a way that he got there. All he had to do was mention a boat and have one of the crew members look like he'd been swimming. Nah, that's too difficult.

Chapter Seventeen: Holy Coincidence, Batman!

Prudence is all sad and stuff that Phoebe disappeared. Sebastian is not okay with this! Also, she sort of accepted his almost-proposal in front of Hugh, but she didn't say anything else about it. This makes Sebastian fret. Fretting is for little boys! ...or, ya know, someone who's just spoken their heart to someone and is waiting for a reaction. Possibly to take his mind off himself, Sebastian decides to comfort Prudence.

Damn it, woman! It's not your fault! Phoebe was kind of a bitch. You can't control her! Also, I know how you're feeling 'cause of all that crap that happened with James.

Prudence responds with something along the lines of: Oh yeah, you're totes right. Let's go take a bath now! I assume she gives him a sexy wink too, although the book doesn't explicitly say that.

Anyway, awhile later Prudence and Sebastian, that team of super-sleuths, is on the case! They find their way to Mr. Poo-Face's uncle's house. The uncle really doesn't like his nephew and lets it slip that Mr. Poo-Face is a smuggler. The uncle reluctantly tells the duo about the Bloody Mary, a seedy tavern down along the warf. Mr. Poo-Face hangs out there a lot. So off they go!

Prudence and Sebastian learn that Phoebe and “her guy” were at the Bloody Mary, there was a fight, then Phoebe and “her guy” left to go to the Chapel Inn, which is really ritzy, apparently. Oh, also, Sebastian sucks at diplomacy, but he's good at paying people to tell him what he needs to know. You know, just in case we forgot that he's arrogant and stuff. So, Sebastian has a ways to go before he can compete with a certain super-sleuth. Just sayin'

At the Chapel Inn:

Sebastian's title talks here. The owner doesn't seem to keep any weapons on him. Lame. Anyway, he tells them that Mr. Poo-Face isn't there, and there's another couple there. He even tells them the room. Then, for some reason, the owner is surprised when they go charging off to the room and Sebastian breaks down the door. Not that the owner's there for the door-breaking.

Once Sebastian breaks down the door, Prudence hears a familiar scream. Oh, hey Phoebe. What's going on, girl? Oh, we caught you in bed with some guy? Sorry about that. Wait. That guy...

James! Sebastian! Phoebe! Prudence! Repeat ad nauseum What were you two doing in bed? We were doing that obvious thing, but we're totes married! What are you two doing? (The book has no answer to this question.)

They tell the owner that it's all cool, and Sebastian will pay for the door. Then they settle in the parlor for story time.

By the way, everyone is changed and different and awesome now. Hooray for dynamic characters! All right, now it's story time. James ran out of the house after the argument. He slipped on the rocks and fell into the sea. The smugglers found him and thought about killing him, but they thought it'd be a bad idea to kill the Devil Earl's brother. So they sold him into slavery instead. He worked really hard, like really hard you guys, on a ship of pirates! He doesn't give any detail about this. So, yeah, when they made it to the West Indies, the new guy who had been sold to them managed to start a mutiny and maroon the captain and the pirates who were just not nice. Then they came back to England. He's done sailing, but maybe it's time for a shipping venture. What do you think, Sebastian?

Sebastian ponders this for a moment. He says something like: Well, you seem to have done well for yourself and actually become mature. Yeah, we're cool. We've gotta deal with those kidnappers, though.

James has been hunting info on them, but they're kinda mean and would not deal well with snitches. It's entirely possible that people who narked on the smugglers would need to receive some sort of thread to hold their wound together. Anyway, the brothers are all about dealing with these law breakers. Phoebe objects, so they all look to Prudence. Really? All right then. Of course she's cool with it. It's adventure, also she straight up tells them it'll be good for her next story. How selfish. Then the chapter ends.

Am I the only one wondering how James managed to incite a mutiny? In fact, can we get a book about him instead? His story sounds much more bad ass than “Oh, does she like me? We have sex lots and she gave me her v-card, but I'm just not sure!”

By the way, I'm really excited for this upcoming fight.

Chapter Sixteen: What's That Thing? Oh Yeah. Plot

They searched the cavern for any other sign of James, but Prudence and Sebastian just found the ring. So they wander back upstairs. Hi, Mr. Worth. Oh, you don't know Sebastian either? Huh. Anyway, Mrs. Worth requests Prudence's presence in the state drawing room. Is that a room where states go to unleash their artistic creativity? Anyway, Prudence admits that she can't find her way there, so Sebastian escorts her there.

Sebastian complains about how Prudence kept him from eating today. Prudence is mid-complaint about all the sex they had when she sees Hugh.

Aw snap.

Phoebe, sick of not being the center of attention, ran away. Poor girl. I have no sympathy for her. Hugh didn't really notice when Phoebe left, nor did he look too hard for her, but he went to Prudence's house to let her know. Now he finds her here with this...this Ravenclaw? More on that later in the conversation. Anyway, Phoebe left a note, so clearly she wasn't kidnapped. Remember Mr. Darlington? She's going to marry him. ...if by “marry”, I mean be ravaged by. Hugh blathers on about this for a bit before he realizes the situation Prudence is in and possibly remembers her comment when she entered the room.

Damn it, Prudence. I want to marry you! That's pretty much what Hugh tells her. He's okay with taking...soiled goods. Egads, Hugh. Get over yourself. Prudence lets him down gently with some nonsense about life being what you make it and how she wants her life to have adventure in it. So, since he didn't get his way, Hugh disowns her and Phoebe.

Sebastian takes offense at this. Hugh asks if Sebastian is standing up for his mistress. Sebastian corrects him. That's 'future wife', not ho!

Wow. What drama. What will Prudence say? Is she okay with Sebastian declaring this without asking her? What will Hugh do? Meh. Let's check on Phoebe instead.

So, Mr. Darlington is a poo-face and Phoebe is poor and stranded and she's not sure where they are. Mr. Darlington and Prudence are both misnomers. He's not darling at all! You know, Mr. Darlington is almost as ridiculous as Ravenscar. I'm going call him Mr. Poo-Face instead.

All Phoebe knows is they're in some seedy bar. They've been riding in a carriage for two days, apparently. Phoebe managed to get Mr. Poo-Face to sleep in a different room the night before, but she's not sure that'll work again. How did she manage this? Sheer bloody-mindedness it looks like. There were some soldiers lounging near the site of their argument and this somehow kept Mr. Poo-Face from sneaking into Phoebe's room that night.

Anyway, some manly/godly guy just walked into the bar. His hair is sun-bleached, his shirt is open, and his pants are almost too tight to be decent. His face is pretty hot too, apparently. Phoebe drools over him a little. All right, a lot. Then she looks at Mr. Poo-Face and his fop-ishness seems silly now. Prudence is contagious!

Mr. Poo-Face has been drinking and he's sick of putting up with Phoebe. This time they're not getting separate rooms. He says something about how no one in this bar will help her. She's just got to go with it. Hey, wasn't that blonde guy familiar? By the way, Mr. Poo-Face's estate and promise of marriage were both shams. Phoebe screams out no to Mr. Poo-Face. He doesn't care. Then, someone picks up Mr. Poo-Face by his collar and punches him in the face. Yes! Thank you! Can someone do that to just about everyone in this book?

By the way, it was the blonde super-sexy guy who took care of Mr. Poo-Face. Super-sexy guy loots the body. Phoebe is a little uncomfortable with the theft happening in front of her, but she doesn't do anything about it. Super-sexy guy offers her the money he stole. Phoebe reluctantly takes it. Man, you know, it's like she's seen this guy before somewhere. This guy must be feeling it too, 'cause he takes a step closer and looks deep into her eyes...

James! Hey, man, how've you been? Too dramatic to write and tell your brother you're still alive? Oh yeah, that happens to all of us. By the way, Phoebe thought you were a pirate. Are you? That would kind of make this story better. Oh yeah, actual story. James picks up Phoebe and gives her a fierce, possessive kiss. Geeze, dude. She might have moved on in the seven or so months you've been playing corpse. Just sayin'. Oh, sorry, the last line is her saying his name. We might not have known otherwise, ya know? Especially since super-sexy guy knew her name.

So, remember when Prudence had that long shot that James was a pirate? Yeah. She was totally right. I'm leaning even more towards the “Mary Sue” end of the dial now. Also, Ravenclaw's bitter guilt is all for nothing since he didn't kill his brother.

Chapter Fifteen: Scooby Doobie Doo, Where Are You?

Oh, they really do talk about Frankenstein. To be fair, they're eating breakfast at the time and Mrs. Worth is in the room, so I suppose they can't pretend like it's mating season. For now. After breakfast, Prudence announces that they're going to search the library for clues about Penhurts's (James') disappearance. I guess since Prudence and Sebastian have become close, she can use his brother's first name. Anyway, when Prudence announces that, Mrs. Worth drops a plate. Prudence defends the honor of her lover, and the two are off to explore the library. ...and each other.

All right. I think there's something in the water at Wolfinger Abbey because these two will not stop messing around. Either that, or they're teenagers somehow. Anyway, they go to the library and Prudence starts looking over absolutely everything. I'm sure they haven't been in here to clean in the five...seven months that James has been missing. Sebastian contemplates Prudence and how she transformed him. Also, “She deserved better, but Sebastian had ceased to worry about such details.” Honestly, good. Let her worry about whether or not she deserves better. She's a big girl, although she doesn't always act like it.

Sebastian starts planning how they'll live in Wolfinger Abbey, since she thrives there and London isn't good to her. Then he pictures Prudence writing at the desk in the library, with ink stains of course, and he gets aroused. Holy crap, dude. Calm down. Nope. No time for that. Sebastian kisses her. “She protested at first...” Then stop? Nope.

Eventually, she gives in to their boiling passion, hotter than any star as just as enormous. Sebastian thinks about how he wants to take her on the desk, but they left the door open (they really need to stop doing that), so he'll do something else instead. See, if he puts his head under her skirts, no one will know he's there. You know where this is going. She tells him that she doesn't want to do this here, but he goes ahead anyway. I'm getting less impressed with him as the chapter continues. Not that I liked him all that much to begin with, but still.

When they're done, she's flopped back on the desk like a dead woman. Prudence, you really need to stop doing that. What if he sexes you to death? He wouldn't know! After Prudence recovers, she tells Sebastian that turnabout is fair play. He freaks out a bit with happiness. He picks her up and carries her through a secret passage to his bedroom. Oh yeah, the library was fine for her, but he needs a room with more privacy. Whatever.

So, in the afterglow, Sebastian contemplates how their relationship is soooo much more than sex, you guys. It's totally, like, on a deeper level. It's like their souls unite. Uh-huh. Then Prudence asks if there are any maps of the abbey. She's not done playing detective. Prudence is focusing on maps and secret passageways. Sebastian is thinking about something that's “ridiculous, impossible...within reach.” Now I don't mean to spoil this (yes I do), but I'm pretty sure he's thinking about proposing to her. Just a thought.

So, although neither of them wants to find James' rotting corpse in the abbey, Prudence persuades Sebastian to search it thoroughly with her. They look at the secret passageways and then move to the cellar. There's another cellar within the first one, for use of hiding “free-traded goods”. A bit later, Mrs. Simmons lets us know “free-traded” means smuggled.

So, in this second cellar, the door to which Sebastian has propped open, they find another secret passage. Sebastian didn't know about this one. It could have boobie traps that the Devil Earl left. Wait Prudence! She's fine, this was just to show that Sebastian actually does care about her. They follow the path to a cave with freshly smuggled goods in it. Prudence pokes around and Sebastian wades into the water to learn that it's the perfect depth for a small boat. Prudence gets worried about him walking into the water. Aw. They do care about each other.

They talk a bit, and then they want to have sex again. Really you guys? Prudence has pointed out that it's unlikely the smugglers will be here during the full moon, but there's a time and place. Sebastian uses his common sense and says they should be getting back. Prudence decides this means she should explore some more. Then she finds James' ring.

Dun dun duuun!

Chapter Fourteen: Wolfinger Abbey Part Two: Electric Boogaloo

Sebastian sees Prudence leaning back in the chair, her eyes closed, and worries that he hurt her. He wants her now, but he doesn't feel worthy to touch her. Also, he's “afraid to see her reaction, but too cowardly to hide from it.” What? Too cowardly to hide? That does not make sense to me. Whatever. Turns out that Prudence totally dug that and she's fine with sleeping next to him. Prudence, there's more. More?!

Then he, finally, peels her like an orange. He asks with his eyes if he can take off her shift. She agrees with her eyes. Then they have a complex discussion about the meaning of life and the reasons for war...with their eyes. Anyway, after Sebastian takes off her shift, he can't breathe for a moment. She's...too...pretty!

So they start making out and Prudence grabs his chest hair. He moves her hand down to his crotch and she's confused about what this strange hardness is. Oh wow. I know they didn't have health class back in the day, but you'd figure she'd learn about this somehow. He does a great job of explaining too. “It is for you, all for you, Prudence.” Thanks, Ravenclaw. That really explains everything. Then comes my favorite sentence in the entire book:

“With my body I...will worship you.”

Excuse me for a moment. I have to laugh uncontrollably. Again. I did the first time I read that, too. All right. I think it's the ellipses that really makes that sentence great/terrible. Greatly terrible? Greaterrible? Anyway, Ravenclaw takes off his pants (finally! She's been naked for how long now?) and they both get in the bed. All right, I can understand that Mrs. Simmons would write about Ravenclaw sucking on her boob. It's a romance novel, I get it. Could she use a word other than “suckle”? Please? It's just a little creepy with the connotations of breastfeeding.

Oh, also. There is fingering in Wolfinger. I feel like this metaphor has been well used now. I've kind of been waiting for this the entire book. Just sayin'. Anyway, popping Prudence's cherry didn't really hurt her and life is just swell.

Prudence wakes up the next day and remembers what they've done. She gets up to pee, but feels a bit self-conscious about being naked. Then she realizes that she should feel awful about what they've done. Have I mentioned that she's a rebel? 'Cause she totally doesn't care. She's had sex and she feels great, damn it! She looks at Sebastian and decides that he's “utterly wonderful” and made of gumdrops and unicorn's breath. Then she realizes he's looking at her too. So she leans over and kisses him.

Sebastian climbs out of the tower on a rope made of sheets. Mrs. Worth climbs the stairs to let Prudence out and take her to a bath. Also, Sebastian will take care of the sheet-rope. Hooray, no one else can see the stains Prudence left! Also, it's totes possible that Sebastian won't want her anymore. Sadness

Prudence takes her bath and then hears a door open. It's Sebastian. He asks if he can join her in her bath. She says yes. They briefly mention Frankenstein by Mary Shelley, but then it's time to have sex again. Oh, sorry. I almost forgot. They both brought each other to life! Isn't it sweet and romantic and made of awesome?

Never mind that Frankenstein was cobbled together out of bits of dead people and was looked upon as a monster by everyone who could see him, so not a very good metaphor for their life-renewing love. Also, never mind the pony. I give up.

Chapter Thirteen: Wolfinger Abbey!

 

Prudence brings Mrs. Broadgirdle back to herself but the ghost stories, storm, and Wolfinger Abbey itself all make Mrs. Broadgirdle insist that she won't stay there. Really? Too bad. Ravenclaw sends her off to the Cock and Walk. I have no idea what that is.

Throughout this chapter we get a lot of description about how it's eerie and Prudence has never felt so awed by such creepy architecture and she loves every minute of it. I just thought I'd sum that up for you instead of having you read about it several times.

Mrs. Worth answers the door and won't let them in at first. I guess she recognizes Ravenclaw after he pushes past her and knows her name. Prudence gets the stateroom to change out of her wet clothes, but Ravenclaw is going to take her home later that night. Mrs. Worth says it's dumb to drive on a night like this. You know, with the storm going all crazy and the carriage away. I guess Sebastian has the thing that brought their trunks over. He seems to be making a shift toward being less formal.

Prudence goes to the stateroom and changes into a gown she thinks is frivolous. It's black, has some jet beads on it, and the sleeves gather in at her wrists. Also, her shoulders are bare, which seems to get Sebastian hot.

They have dinner, apparently with the ridiculously long table between them. Picture that in your mind. It's just silly. Also, since there's just Mrs. Worth, they don't have a ten course meal. They have some plain country fare. After the meal, Prudence and Ravenclaw sit around drinking brandy. Hm. Ravenclaw offers her a tour of the house, and asks what she wants to see first. Prudence picks the tower where the Devil Earl locked his wife.

The tower! Rapunzel!

The bolt is on the outside. Ooooo. They walk into the nicely aired room and chill for a bit. Then the door slams closed and it won't budge. Apparently, the bolt slid into place. Oh no. Whatever will we do to pass the time? Prudence freaks out about them dying. Ravenclaw says he likes this predicament and walks toward the bed. He tells her to calm down, that it'll all be fine. There's not much they can do until morning. Then Ravenclaw starts taking his clothes off.

In the background is some of that music from the 70's (bow chicka bow wow) and then Sebastian is only wearing his pants. I guess this is the first time Prudence has seen anyone's feet besides her own or her sister's. Huh. What an odd thing to think about.

Then Ravenclaw moves on to Prudence. He takes off her stockings, slowly. He says that her feet are pretty. Prudence is disagrees. He responds, “Do not attempt to reason with me, Prudence, for I am beyond that.” I'm a little worried by that line. Beyond reason? This could get ugly.

Prudence realizes that her own emotions are “just as deep and disturbing.” You're disturbed by your emotions? Hm. Anyway, then Sebastian moves his hands up Prudence's legs until all of her skirts are bunched up at her waist. By the way, there were no panties back in the day. Did I mention that Prudence is sitting in a chair and Ravenclaw's sitting on the floor? That's kind of important. Sebastian pulls her thighs open and moves his face closer... Yes, he gave her oral.

Well! See if I ever let any of you go exploring a Gothic house during a rainstorm alone with someone you're attracted to.

I still want that pony...

Chapter Twelve: Would ya Look at That Storm?

Sebastian lets his steward know he's going to Wolfinger instead of Yorkshire. The steward is a little mad; he just told Sebastian's people to close Wolfinger up again. Too bad, it's seducing time. In fact, don't worry about staffing Wolfinger, and don't tell anyone Ravenclaw's there. I mean, they need some people so Prudence's reputation isn't completely ruined, but the fewer the better. Sebastian's leaving his butler with the townhouse and giving his valet the month off with pay. Huh.

Prudence waits until breakfast, the time when everyone's together, to bring up her trip. Oh, Phoebe's got a friend named Emma now. Anyway, Prudence tells her sister and cousin about her plans and they freak out. Well, yeah. First Prudence asks Phoebe if she wants to go with Prudence on a visit home. Phoebe responds frantically. She doesn't want to go home! She's finally made friends. Blah blah blah. Hugh is sad that she's leaving and asks if she really needs to go. Prudence decides he needs a hobby. Hugh tries to use Phoebe's refusal to travel to make Prudence stay in London but she doesn't care. She's gonna go see Wolfinger Abbey with Ravenclaw. Not Ravenclaw! Phoebe refuses to go anywhere with him and asks Hugh if she can stay with him. Hugh says it wouldn't be proper. Excuse me? They're cousins! Argh. Whatever. Phoebe declares that she'll go stay at Emma's house. (That's why we care about Emma.)

Prudence reflects on their conversation and realizes that Phoebe is a spoiled brat. No, really? Is that why she didn't care about her sister cavorting around the countryside with someone she thinks is a murder, putting her cousin in a awkward position, or depositing herself in Emma's house? Huh. I guess Prudence didn't know her sister as well as she thought.

Hugh has further protests! Prudence doesn't care! Take Mrs. Broadgridle with you. Fine. Oh, by the way, the abbey isn't the only reason Prudence wants to go. Holy crap, Mrs. Simmons. We get it. The girl likes Ravenclaw. It's not a deeply buried desire. It's a desire that's influencing her decisions to the point that she'll flout society, a bit, and alienate her only family. Huh. I guess Ravenclaw's kind of a big deal to her.

Neither Phoebe nor Hugh sees Prudence off on her trip, but when Sebastian welcomes her, it's all good. “Family and friends could be forsaken for the mysterious man who held her in his thrall.” Wait. What? He's separating you from your family and friends? Prudence, I know our previous talk didn't get through your head, but you really need to be careful this doesn't wind up being an abusive relationship. ...and by “be careful” etc, I really mean, get out while you still can!

Oh, hi there Mrs. Broadgirdle. Ravenclaw doesn't like you being there one bit. He tries to get her to ride with the trunks but she won't budge. Also, strangely, the about two day ride is incredibly awkward. I never would have guessed it. Prudence reflects on how Ravenclaw is used to getting his way and most people would think he's kind of a spoiled jerk. She knows better, though. Does she?

Prudence writes for a bit, but the loud rain stops her. She asks Ravenclaw to tell her more about Wolfinger Abbey. Tee hee. Ravenclaw says he doesn't know much and Prudence tells us some history instead. Sigh. The interesting bit is that the Devil Earl and his wife apparently haunt it. We get a description of the Devil Earl that pretty well fits Ravenclaw, but clearly the two are very different. He drove his wife crazy and she stabbed him with a kitchen knife. The servants didn't investigate the screams because those had become commonplace in the house. Wow. Why did people work for this guy? Mrs. Broadgirdle is scared by this story and demands they stop the coach. Ravenclaw smiles and tells her they can't stop. They have to go to Wolfinger Abbey. Wanna know why?

Look! Up in the air! It's a bird! No, it's clearly not. It's a plane! What is that? It's...a storm. Oh. It's a humdinger of a storm, though. Ravenclaw continues scaring Mrs. Broadgirdle until they make it to the abbey. Then she faints.

Well, now that she's out of the way...we can talk about ponies! Can we? Oh. The chapter ended. Never mind.

Chapter Eleven: But We're Not Married!

All right, marriage doesn't come up during this chapter, but it's the quickest explanation for what happens.

Remember Lord Raleigh? Turns out he's kind of important. Prudence is at a party of his, of mostly scholarly people, when she sees Ravenclaw across the room. It's been two whole weeks since they've seen each other. Prudence sent him a note that said 'Like me? Circle Y/N' and Ravenclaw had circled the “/”. Well, he really said he wouldn't be in town long enough to get to know her, but it's close to the same thing.

Anyway, Prudence is checking out some books in Raleigh's library when she looks up and sees Ravenclaw. Prudence still totally wants him. Ravenclaw finds out that Raleigh sent Prudence to the library alone and reveals that Raleigh knows he goes there to find solace. If by “find solace” he means “escape the party” then I accept his words. Anyway, Ravenclaw says he should oblige their host. Prudence asks what he means, just after putting a book away. Ravenclaw demonstrates.

Sorry, it doesn't go that far. No sex in a library with the doors open for them (we find out about the doors later), just some petting and such. Ravenclaw starts with Prudence's shoulder and his mouth. I'm not sure why he keeps trying to devour her. He's got to know that he's not actually getting any nutrition since nothing's going down to his stomach, but he still keeps biting her.

Ravenclaw admits that he totes wants her hot body. Prudence says she's not hot. Ravenclaw disputes this. Prudence starts listing off the ways in which she's not pretty and Ravenclaw counters them, every time. Too tall, you fit me perfectly. Too sallow, psh! really pale ladies are not hot, your skin makes me want to devour you. Hair not fashionably blonde (oops, my drawings are wrong again), screw fashion! Mouth, made for mine. Figure, sooo sexay, grrl! Then Ravenclaw talks about how she's sexy: she's skinny, has long legs, beguiling hips (how does that makes sense? I just want hips that are incapable of telling falsehoods), flat stomach, breasts...that fit into his hands. No, really Prudence, he doesn't prefer Phoebe over you. Why would you even ask that?

Anyway, his laugh is erotic... blah blah blah. Waves of sensation... Ravenclaw puts Prudence's hands behind his neck (remember, he's standing behind her), also he totally has a boner. So yeah, Prudence is enjoying this. At once point, the book lists everything he's doing to her. She's just standing there with her hands behind his neck. I know he's getting enjoyment out of this too, but I can't help feeling like he's doing all the work. Well, it is a romance novel, after all. Prudence hears him growling and realizes she's moaning. They're pressed together and his hands are quite busy. Prudence has an “exotic pressure” growing inside her.

Then Sebastian puts her back on the floor. Stupid party guests! Ravenclaw says if they don't stop, he'll flip her skirt over her head and take her right there and then. The size of the damn (or dam) Prudence doesn't give is enormous. She tells him to do it anyway. The words she uses are, “Sebastian, help me!” Well Prudence, I didn't get around to this in our other talk, but you take your hand...

Ravenclaw denies her aid and walks away. This reminds me so much of the argument “But we're not married” except he gives no reason here. (By the way, no judgement on that argument.  If it works for everyone involved, go for it.)  I mean, he wants to keep his newly acquired conscience, but I'm not sure how having sex with a lady who wants it and continuing the relationship will ruin his conscience.

Prudence straightens herself and watches him. She notices that he has a need to touch things and wishes he would touch her like he's touching that music box. Ravenclaw announces he's selling his townhouse and leaving London for the country. Prudence asks about Wolfinger and says that she'd really like to see it. Ravenclaw steps forward, grabs her shoulders, and tells her she can have Wolfinger, him, whatever she...desires. The ellipses is in the same place in the book. You know, in case it wasn't obvious enough that they want each other. Ravenclaw is leaving Friday and Prudence agrees to join him. Then he leaves the room and Prudence's head is still spinning.

Sebastian prowls through the party until he finds Raleigh flirting with some girl. Sebastian drives the girl away and flips a coin to Raleigh. Raleigh asks about why Sebastian is giving him money. Sebastian straight up calls his friend a pimp. No, really. He says procurer first, but he gets to pimp eventually. Raleigh asks if Sebastian had sex with Prudence right there in the library. After making his friend uncomfortable, Sebastian admits that he didn't, but he really wanted to. Why did Raleigh set them up like this? Sebastian likes Prudence.

Wait. What? He likes her? That's why he didn't have a one night stand with her and he kept his attraction to her for about five months where he didn't see her? No. I think you're mistaken Raleigh. There's no way. Anyway.

Raleigh says he's not a pimp, he's a matchmaker. I guess he's fixed up at least two other guys, although Sebastian denies that Raleigh helped one of them. Sebastian also denies that he likes Prudence. He says he's treated her like any other woman. Yup, you one night stand-ed her, just like every other lady. Sebastian does realize that his relationship with Prudence is different, thank God, he just doesn't want to admit it. Also, their union is dictated by fate. There's no way out of it. Also also, it won't be just “a simple sexual encounter”, Sebastian's “black soul will be redeemed at Wolfinger Abbey. Tee hee

Can he redeem it for a pony? I asked for one earlier, and I never got it. The carriage horses don't count.

Chapter Ten: I'm a Bad, Bad Man

Last time: Sebastian declared that he was the count, the villain in The Book. That chapter ended before we could see Prudence's reaction.

Hey, we actually get to follow the plot this time. Prudence is sad, but doesn't believe Sebastian. (I guess it's still his point of view, then?) Sebastian pours out his life's story: he was young, his uncle saw he'd inherit the title, Uncle plopped him into gambling houses in London as well as brothels, and Sebastian drank it all in without caring, slowly letting his soul die. Then, they both were drinking, and Uncle goaded Sebastian into killing him, although Uncle had “the pox” (syphilis, I'm pretty sure) and was going to die soon anyway. That duel gave Sebastian the scar under his eye and the life leading up to it made him dead inside. Also, killing his own uncle made Sebastian not very popular, in addition to his other habits. Huh. All right, acceptable.

Sebastian has never told this to anyone before. Wow. Prudence really is special. She doesn't give him pity at the end of his story, she just keeps believing in him. No! This is not acceptable! He's trying to convince her that he's evil, dang it! He says he has no conscience. She counters that he totally does. He says he was going to take her on the picnic blanket and leave her with nothing and he only didn't because he's trying to save her. Dude, you totes have a conscience. Just believe the lady already.

Nope. No belief for Sebastian. He tells Prudence she's wrong and roughly pulls her to him. He sticks his tongue down her throat “in imitation of a far more intimate act...”, grabs her butt, and presses her against his erection. No, really. I did not make any of that up. Also, Prudence doesn't fight him.

All right, girl. We need to have a talk. Come over, we'll have a quart of ice cream, and we'll figure this out.

Sebastian's driver returns with the maid (why were you shouting, Sebastian?), so they have to cut the scene short. They all pile back in the carriage, with the maid inside now, and drive back to...somewhere. Also, Sebastian is still torn inside that she just won't believe that he's a bad man. He's trying to save her by showing how awful he is, dang it!

So, Sebastian goes to his club after leaving Prudence on the side of the road. In his club, people make bets on others' social lives. One running bet is that Sebastian will have sex with Prudence within a month. This bet doesn't help Sebastian and he sits down to get crunk. Well, he tries. Apparently, he has a high tolerance for booze that helped him win so much by gambling. Now, though, that doesn't help him. He's trying to drown his sorrows here!

The guy who started the bet about Prudence walks in. Sebastian gets up and stalks over. 'Set up off Prudence or imma cut you!' 'Dude, calm down. I'll stop.' 'Damn straight.' That's pretty much how that went down. The guy who started the bet has a buddy with him who's actually a friend of Sebastian's. Sebastian has friends? Huh. I thought he was too dead inside for that. Anyway, his friend, Lord Raleigh, wants to drink with Sebastian but Sebastian has had too many emotions to hang out with a friend. You see, Sebastian is “weary and wound tighter than a watch spring, if the combination was possible...” so he's gotta be alone for this.

He walks home, hoping to beat up a mugger but is unlucky. His uncle's penthouse is empty, like Sebastian's life. No, really, the author said that. Sebastian wanders in through the servants' entrance and sees his steward working. The steward has glasses and he pushes them up when he looks up at Sebastian. The guy considers firing his steward for this action. All right, Sebastian, you need to go into time-out until you can play nice with the other kids.

Oh, hey, this guy only needs his glasses for close work. Clearly, that's Prudence's deal too. That's why she didn't need her glasses that afternoon after Sebastian had taken them off of her. Well, I'm glad that's explained, anyway.

Sebastian goes up to his room and looks at his furniture. “He could not picture Prudence here.” Then sell your furniture and buy some new stuff. This has been here since your uncle's day, if not before. I know, it's a metaphor for how he's got to change to suit her. You know, let's look at that a bit.

From Sebastian's perspective: 'Oh God, I've been dead for so long. How can I come back to living and emotions and stuff? But it's for Prudence! She's so hawt, but in a layered way, like an orange. I'd like to peel her, if you know what I mean. First I need to have emotions and such again...but it's haaaaaaaaarrrd. No, I can do it. I'll completely change myself for this woman.' Then he pouts.

From Prudence's perspective: 'Wow. That guy's made of sex. He's so hot and awesome and doesn't treat me well, but...but that's okay. He's a good man. I just know it! Sure he mouth-raped me. That's okay. I liked it! Maybe I won't next time, but...no, I will. He's trying to tell me he's bad, but I know he only did all that bad stuff because...stuff. I can change him! I know I can!' Then she cries.

Just thought I should point out how this relationship is going.

Anyway, Sebastian is out of ideas so he goes to bed to help clear his mind and hopefully wake up dead. Well, dead inside but you get it. His butler is amazed that he's going to bed at about ten, and alone, but Sebastian is having none of his butler's guff and goes to sleep irredisregardless. Maybe tomorrow will be better...and by better, I mean dead-er.

Nope. Still emoting. Sebastian wakes up and thinks about how it would be to wake up next to Prudence. Naked. We get it, Mrs. Simmons. He wants her hot body. ...and mind, probably. Then he starts thinking about the simpler times, before his uncle's influence. Climbing trees was the shit, man! Then he cries, missing the boy he once was and his brother.

Well, since this is fiction, it seems like Prudence is managing to restore some humanity to Ravenclaw. How? I dunno, by being a virgin and discretely sexy. Oh, also being willing to take whatever he dishes out. Oh boy.

Chapter Nine: Secret Meeting

Hey, remember when Mrs. Broadgirdle was trying to get their attention? Neither do I.

Prudence was excited about her secret meeting with Ravenclaw. It makes her feel young again. You know, because twenty four is so old. Anyway, she chose today because Phoebe is going out with some guy, so that'll take care of Mrs. Broadgridle. Prudence can barely pay attention at breakfast.

I mean, until people start talking. Phoebe makes words. Hugh gives Phoebe a look with warm regard and he looks at Prudence and stiffens. Then Hugh says that Ravenclaw is toying with Prudence. Prudence defends him, Phoebe gets mad that people aren't talking about her, you know the drill. Prudence leaves the room to go after Phoebe.

Phoebe apologizes for her behavior and says she's just jealous that Prudence is getting Ravenclaw and Hugh. Prudence, understandably, questions Phoebe's judgment. Phoebe asserts that this is why she flirts with Hugh, because he's attracted to Prudence. Is he now? I hadn't noticed. ...and by “hadn't noticed”, I mean I had no idea that Hugh would annoy the girl he digs. Anyway, clearly Hugh is so pissed about Ravenclaw because he's jealous. Sigh.

Then Phoebe's caller shows up. Mr. Darlington isn't darling to Prudence. She's worried that he stayed too long over Phoebe's hand and he looks like a dandy and...basically, she doesn't like him. Phoebe, Mrs. Broadgirdle, and Mr. Darlington leave and Hugh tries to strike up a conversation with Prudence.

He calls her old, critiques the people she's hanging out with coughRavenclawcough, implies that she's ugly, and then asks if she wants to hang out. Wow. How suave. Prudence says that no, really, she doesn't trust Mr. Darlington. Hugh calls her old again and demeans her opinion, then asks where she wants to go. Prudence, pissed, says she's going shopping. Hugh is mad, he wanted to spend time with just the two of them. Prudence insists that she's got to go buy things alone. Hugh, defeated, tells her to take her maid.

Huh. I guess, for this chapter anyway, Hugh does have a thing for her. He's really bad at wooing her though. I guess that's why he's a bachelor. Also, I said this before as a joke, but I really don't like Hugh as Ravenclaw's rival. Can't she have someone who's not a jerk that wants her? Also, someone who's not related to her?

Sebastian narrates now. He checks Prudence out in front of the milliner. He also admires her timeliness. He has dirty thoughts of his past, which he tries to banish for Prudence's sake, but then he stops caring. He's been dead inside for a long time now, why would he suddenly start caring about others now? Also, he totes wants her body. Just a reminder. He's making these games (secret meeting...and that other one?) just to appeal to her Gothic sensibilities, but I guess he's liking them too. ...too much.

They get in the carriage together and Prudence's maid rides with the driver up front. Blah blah lost brother blah. Also, the thought of her bare, ink stained hands gets Sebastian hot. All righty then. Sebastian pulls the curtains closed and drags her onto his lap. She responds like no other woman, of course. They kiss, she goes for a bit of tongue and he goes wild. Then he loosens his hold, not wanting to hurt her. He whispers in her ear that she should forgive him, so he's got to play with that now. With his mouth. If you need to go take a cold shower, I'll wait.

She cries out “Oh, my lord!” and he corrects her with Sebastian. Say my name! What if she wasn't talking about him, but was basically saying, “Oh, my God!”? Just a thought. Anyway, she says his name and they make out for a bit longer. Then there's a knock at the carriage door.

Dang it, driver. Oh wait, he's only interrupting them because of the maid? Dang it, maid. Then we get another shot of Sebastian telling us how Prudence is not like other girls. Also, picnic.

The maid and driver wander away and Sebastian serves up a nice basket of aphrodisiacs. They talk about their shared interests and...giggle Wolfinger. Sebastian wonders if Wolfinger would be a better place for seduction. He's never used it before. It could be fun, but no. “If she were any other woman, he would take her right here, right now.” But she isn't, as we've read a couple of times. He thinks he'll be satisfied with a one night stand, but part of him (I'm assuming the “dead” part) thinks that she can give him something more. Something more? Is it a pony? I think it is.

Then she confesses that she's been writing, even though she told her sister she wouldn't. Sebastian stares at her ink-stained hands and wants to devour them. Well, I assume there's fixings right there. They're having a picnic, after all.

Then she tells him that he inspires her to write. Aw, he's her muse. Sebastian thinks about how he really could have her right here and now. Really. Then he gets disgusted with himself. He says he is the perfect villain after all. She doesn't look like she believes him and he gets mad. He'll just show her how evil he is, then! He tells her that he is the count. Then-!

The chapter ends. I predict that the next chapter starts with Prudence back at Hugh's apartment again, thinking about what had happened.

Chapter Eight: It's Plotting Time!

 

So, back at Hugh's apartment, he's still mad about Ravenclaw. Also, it seems like he's not fooled about that business with the glasses. Oh well. Phoebe gets sick of hearing about Ravenclaw again so they talk about some guy she liked. Well, Phoebe talks. No one else really cares about him. I'm wondering if this means she's over Penhurst and what he'll do when he comes back. Although... that would be a nice twist, if Ravenclaw really did kill his brother. I doubt it, though. The notable thing in this part of the story is that we see one of Phoebe's thoughts. She's noticing that no one's listening to her and everyone only cares about Ravenclaw. (Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!) I'm a little startled that we get her thoughts, even if they're not direct and it's only for a couple of sentences. It's a little disorienting to jump view points like that.

So the next day, or so, Hugh gets over it and takes the girls to historic sites in London. Prudence, of course, appreciates them, but Phoebe is booored...and hitting on her cousin. I swear, these two need to stop that! They both have guys, more or less, so they should stop hitting on/thinking in intimate detail about their cousin whom neither of them finds interesting. I mean really.

Ravenclaw sends Prudence a note basically asking her on a date. She's totes okay with it but Hugh hears about it and gets all high and mighty about it. Also, Ravenclaw is arrogant in his note, I'm assuming it reads not like he's asking her but like he's telling her they'll do something. Prudence thinks how in Hugh this is unattractive, but it's fine in Ravenclaw. I'm a little worried about how much she forgives in him. No one's perfect, I get that, but she seems to be letting lust rule her and...this is a romance novel. Right.

Hugh demands that Prudence have a chaperone. Hey, what's going on, Mrs. Broadgirdle? One point about Mrs. Broadgirdle's presence, Prudence thinks that it may be a good thing or she'll be tempted to kiss Ravenclaw again. So... she forgives him for lots of stuff, she's not sure that she wants to be alone with him when she's thinking about it away from him... All right, folks. I'm worried. If this weren't fiction, Prudence would probably be in trouble. Since it is, it'll be fine and she'll say yes. I mean, what? On that note, Ravenclaw stimulates Prudence in a way that nothing else, not even Wolfinger, had. He he. Wolfinger's a pretty obvious metaphor here. I'll explain when you're older.

When they first meet, Mrs. Broadgirdle opens by asking if Ravenclaw is the count (she means in The Book, but this took me a moment to figure out). Wow, nice manners, lady. Blah, blah, blah. Let's go to Hyde Park! And away they go! Ravenclaw makes Mrs. Broadgirdle stay with the carriage and the two saunter off together.

A little less conversation a little more action. Sorry folks, since they're in public and not a dimly lit library, they don't do anything physical. They just talk. Ravenclaw points out that Prudence's efforts to save his reputation are probs useless. Prudence tries to gather her wits the whole time because he's just so near and so pretty and so... yeah. She takes off her new glove to pick a flower and Ravenclaw asks if she's been writing recently. She's amazed that he noticed the lack on ink stains (after he tells her he noticed it). Of course, he has to touch her hand to make his point. It makes her all tingly...inside. Also, clearly, they share interests and spirits...they're kindred souls and nothing can keep them apart! Nothing! All right, maybe Prudence didn't think the last part, but I'm sure she meant it.

They talk a bit about Penhurst and how he's still missing. Ravenclaw tries to intimidate Prudence, but she successfully makes her intimidation check and he fails. She totes calls him out on it too. Prudence pulls out the old “expect nothing and always be content” philosophy as the one Ravenclaw's using. He stops dead and, apparently, looks like he wants to kiss her right then and there. Not the reaction I was expecting... He's struggling with his thoughts. Clearly, that part of him that's dead is coming back to life...and all because of Prudence. Aaaawwww.

They talk a bit more and Prudence concludes that Penhurst has gone to the West Indies to try to make money to pay back his debts. Ravenclaw gives her an indulgent smile and Prudence is elated that he didn't interrupt her or tell her she was dumb. Oh boy.

Then they get around to the topic of Wolfinger. Ravenclaw asks Prudence if she'd like to see it sometime, clearly to look for evidence of Penhurst's disappearance and not for the innuendo that creates. Prudence wants more detail about when Penhurst disappeared, but Ravenclaw says the park is too public for that. Oh my, sir. Then Mrs. Broadgirdle has to ruin everything. Ravenclaw says something about how she's Gothic and Prudence's mind begins spinning out another story with Mrs. Broadgirdle as the villain.

Let's look at this objectively for a moment. Prudence writes a story with Ravenclaw inspiring the villain. Everyone in London, who knows him or knows of him, believes it's true or close enough to it to give him an even worse reputation than he already had. Now Prudence wants to write another story with a chaperone-for-hire as the inspiration for the villain. Chaperones-for-hire rely on their reputations to get them work. Maybe this book wouldn't sell as well since it won't be about someone in Society, but there's a good chance it will, ruining this woman's career. Prudence, you're a self-centered jerk.

Prudence is swept up in her plans to ruin someone else's-I mean, write another book, and Ravenclaw has to yell pretty much in her ear to get her attention. Geeze, dude, try poking her or something. Anyway, they can't meet at Prudence's house because of Hugh and Mrs. Broadgirdle. Meeting at Ravenclaw's house would take the story too far along and be terribly improper. Balls and such are too crowded. They're going to have a secret meeting. Aw yeah.

Also, why was Mrs. Broadgirdle wanting their attention? I have no idea. That's not as important as their clandestine, moon-lit, screw-you-society meeting. Maybe we'll find out next chapter.