Thursday, September 1, 2011

Chapter Seven: Chaperone Fail



Prudence is hyperaware of Ravenclaw's gaze on her body. She doesn't really care about it much usually, but now her skin is all tingle-y and stuff. Also, Prudence compares her cousin to Ravenclaw again. This still disturbs me but it's only once this time. Ravenclaw mentions ravishing Prudence and she notices how hot that room is. ...so take off all your clothes?

They talk a bit about how books aren't real and people in London are dumb. Also, Ravenclaw shows that he knows her books. He says that he digs them and Prudence thinks about how she digs him. Then the host, Lady Buckingham, bustles over and is a jerk. She and Ravenclaw have a coded conversation about how he's totally into Prudence, in which Lady Buckingham disses Prudence, but the author doesn't understand the meaning of what they're saying, so it's all good. What's not all good is that apparently everyone in London except for the main characters loves to gossip and hurt those around them. I'm pretty sure that in such a large city, there's got to be at least someone else who's a good person. Well, “good person” is kind of stretching it for Ravenclaw (he enjoys intimidating Prudence, the girl he's hot for), but I suppose he's better than these others. I guess.

Lady Buckingham decrees that Neville (Nevvy is his nickname for some reason) will accompany Prudence to dinner. Prudence freaks out a little that she'll be parted from Ravenclaw and they make plans to meet in the library after dinner. She asks for time alone for a private discussion. She means about his brother, he means about her body.

Several metaphors about sex and a barely described yet long dinner later, Prudence dashes off to meet Ravenclaw in the library. She looks at some books when Ravenclaw sneaks up behind her. I'm not sure why the characters are still unable to recognize each other's voices unless they're looking at each other. I would think by now Ravenclaw's distinctive, sexy, bad-boy voice would be imprinted in Prudence's memory.

Prudence asks about Penhurst and Ravenclaw backs off a bit to answer. They have a sort of conversation which takes a pause when Ravenclaw begins fondling a golden snake statue. His fingers stroking it entrance Prudence. Bahahaha. I have a song to teach you all. It's to the tune of “If You're Happy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands.” Here are the words:

If it's longer than it's wide, then it's phallic. (clap clap)
If it's longer than it's wide, then it's phallic. (clap clap)
If it's wider than it's long, then you turn it on its side,
If it's longer than it's wide, then it's phallic. (clap clap)

I thought you might want to know what was running through my head at this part. Anyway, they talk about why Prudence doesn't think Ravenclaw killed his brother and then Ravenclaw smiles. It makes Prudence giddy. Can they just kiss already?

Ravenclaw stalks closer to his prey and lulls her with words about how she's passionate, a great writer, generous, brave, intelligent, and beautiful. The beautiful startles Prudence, but she looks at him and it totally looks like he means it. So, what happens next is totes okay with her.

He takes off her glasses.

Oh my goodness! I need to go have a lie-down. OK, but really, he says he's been wanting to do that for a long time and then, only when her physical appearance fits his guidelines, he leans down, she pulls his face closer, and they kiss.

At first, it's just a regular kiss, “more exotic and exciting than anything [Prudence] could ever pen.” Then his tongue touches her. I swear to the god of your choice, I'm not making this next line up: “Open for me, Prudence... Dear God, open your mouth and let me inside.”

Whelp. It's officially a romance novel now, right? The French kiss is amazing beyond all amazing-tude. They kiss until Prudence think she's about to pass out from lack of air. She says, “Oh my.” Ravenclaw agrees. They're about to kiss again when Prudence's cousin remembers his job (or maybe it's Mrs. Broadgirdle's job. I'm not really sure.) and bursts in on them and stops them.

By the way, Prudence compares Hugh's voice to Ravenclaw's. Ew. Also, this whole time she's had her glasses off, yet we get descriptions of Ravenclaw's face and the way he's looking at her. That's fine, maybe she's nearsighted. As Hugh is charging toward them, she can see his face is has red splotches on it. The library's dimly lit too, so I'm kind of astounded at her vision.

Ravenclaw asserts that he was cleaning Prudence's glasses for her, and he finally puts them back on her face. Then he says he's at her disposal anytime. Oooh! Grrl! Get some! No, really, please get some so this book has a point.

Ravenclaw says he'll leave her to her cousin...for now. All right, maybe it's the constant parallels between their appearances but it's really beginning to bother me that Hugh seems to be Ravenclaw's rival. I know it was cool to marry your cousin back in the day, but he's not even a good rival! Ugh. Well, if I wanted a book that went as I wanted it to, I wouldn't have stepped out of my usual genres.

Hugh says Ravenclaw's a bad, bad man. Prudence tells Hugh he's thinking of a character in a book he's never read (you know, in The Book), and sweeps off. Her last thought is that Ravenclaw (a real, unpredictable person) is much more exciting than a character whom she writes. Really?

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